This question, worded exactly as written, "Is it hard for a gay guy to be straight?" was entered into a search engine and landed on this blog.
I have written many posts over time about being gay, yet behaving in a masculine manner which some gay men call "acting straight." I am not an actor. I behave the way I do because that's who I am. I know there are some gay men who "butch up" on occasion -- to act "more straight" in certain situations. I am not like those guys. I am who I am.
Meanwhile, back to the question -- my answer is, "yes, it's damn hard -- impossible -- for a gay guy to 'be' straight." If you're gay, you're gay -- homosexual -- attracted to the same sex. If you're straight, then you are heterosexual and attracted to the opposite sex.
Contrary to what some Bible-thumping wackos affiliated with some fringe groups think or say, it is not possible for a guy who is truly homosexual to be or become straight. Just doesn't work. Won't happen. Expose the gay guy to fringe-wacko therapy to try to convince him not to "be" gay, and likely the gay guy will be ripe for long-term therapy to recover from such exposure and to regain his sanity. Seriously -- it's that bad, and that detrimental.
But perhaps that is not what the writer of the question was asking. Perhaps he was asking, "is it hard for a gay guy to 'act' straight?" In that case, it's different. For some of us (gay men), it is not difficult to behave like straight guys do, because that is how we are and how we are wired. But for the gay man who is effeminate, it will likely be harder for him to behave in a masculine manner. I won't delve into stereotypes. Let me just say that I know some gay guys who could pull it off and some who could not. We're all different.
But let me reaffirm my understanding from science that if a guy is gay, he was born that way. He did not "choose a lifestyle." Heck, when did you "choose to be straight?" It just doesn't work that way. You're gay, you're gay. You're straight, you're straight. So be it. How you behave is often what others use to judge whether you are (or are not) gay. It's sad that people make these judgments, but they do.
My advice: be who you are; be comfortable in your own skin; keep thinking that you are a valuable person and other people's opinions of your behavior are their problem, not yours. I know that is hard to accept by some people, but let me affirm: once you achieve this level of self-awareness, then a "whole new you" is revealed. For me, it was a man who was confident, self-assured, and calm.
Final thought on the question -- is it hard for a gay guy to "be" straight? Yes. It is hard for a gay man to "be" comfortable with himself if he continues to live in the closet and hide his sexual identity from himself, his family, and his friends. I know there are reasons why gay men do that, which have a lot to do with keeping a job in many cases and self-preservation in others.
But it is far more difficult for a gay guy to "be" something he is not.
Life is short: be who you are.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
Biker Boots on a Budget
Someone sent me an email asking, "if you could only get one pair of motorcycle boots, what would it be?" He complimented my boot collection and suggested that I make a video to demonstrate my response to his question.
This is a very hard question to ask a guy who has as many pairs of motorcycle boots as I have.
I narrowed it down to three choices, which all happen to be made by Justin Brands under the Chippewa Boots banner here in the United States:
1. Traditional Chippewa Harness Boots -- Style 27868
These boots are rugged, solid, well-constructed, and a great value for the money. They have a Vibram 430 lug sole which provides decent traction. Harness boots are about the most ubiquitous (common) boots that bikers in the U.S. wear. Chippewa harness boots are made in the USA, and bargains for them abound -- usually around major holidays. (If you haven't seen it already, check out my video where I do a comparison of four different makes of motorcycle harness boots).
2. Traditional Chippewa 17" Engineer Boots -- Style 27909 with steel toe; 27908 without a steel toe
Engineer boots are also a very common choice that bikers wear. These boots are also available in a shorter (11") version, but I prefer the taller variety because tall boots provide better protection for the whole leg, instead of only the lower leg and ankle. The boots come with a regular nitrile (rubber) sole, which provides moderate traction. They are also unlined, so they will sag at the ankles, but that adds (in my opinion) to the overall character of the boot. Stompers Boots is about the only boot retailer where you can order the non-steel toe version of these tall, rugged, solid biker boots. You can also order the steel toe version from them, too -- and get the best price available.
3. Chippewa Firefighter Boots -- Style 27422
I would be remiss if I failed to mention the boots that I like to wear often when I ride my Harley. Chippewa Firefighter boots are not often considered by bikers, but they should be. They are very solid and sturdily built, as their primary users are wildland firefighters. What I like most about these boots is that they are very comfortable -- suitable for an all-day ride. While they are leather-lined, they don't get hot. Their Vibram 100 lug soles provide superb traction. I have been recommending them for years, and stand behind that recommendation. Great boots -- a bit more expensive than their traditional biker brothers listed above, but to answer that email -- if I had to pick only one pair of boots for use while riding my motorcycle, what would that be? Chippewa Firefighter Boots, feet-down (I would use the American expression "hands-down," but I haven't found a pair of boots to fit my hands and still let me type LOL!)
Here is the video that I produced that puts what I wrote above into a visual explanation:
This is a very hard question to ask a guy who has as many pairs of motorcycle boots as I have.
I narrowed it down to three choices, which all happen to be made by Justin Brands under the Chippewa Boots banner here in the United States:
1. Traditional Chippewa Harness Boots -- Style 27868
2. Traditional Chippewa 17" Engineer Boots -- Style 27909 with steel toe; 27908 without a steel toe
3. Chippewa Firefighter Boots -- Style 27422
Here is the video that I produced that puts what I wrote above into a visual explanation:
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Most Common Cowboy Boot Heel Style
An interesting search landed a visitor to my most-visited web page, wearing cowboy boots.
The question was, "what is the most common heel style for everyday wear on cowboy boots?" It was searched by someone in Texas, where cowboy boots are worn often.
Generally, there are three heel heights on cowboy boots -- a walking heel, which is about 1" (2.5cm); a riding heel, which is about 2" (5cm); and a heel height that splits the difference and is about 1-1/2" to 1-5/8" (3.8 to 4.1cm) high.
As far as heel style goes -- walking (roper) heels are usually flat and blocky, with little if any slant. Riding heels are usually what's called "underslung." That means that the heels are larger at the place where they are attached to the sole and taper to a smaller size at the bottom. However, unlike high heels on women's shoes, underslung cowboy boot heels usually have a fairly large area at the bottom, rather than taper to a point.
Walking heels are found on boots like ropers which are very commonly worn in the U.S. West and Midwest. Ropers are affordable and easy to wear while walking or working.
Cowboy boots worn for riding (a horse) are usually about 2" (5cm) high and are usually underslung (tapered). These heels make it easier to hold the boot in stirrups and control a horse. However, heels of this height are harder for men to walk in. Most men are unaccustomed to wearing "high heels." Also, some men are afraid to wear higher heels because of their fear of ridicule or labeling, but I won't go there....
The vast majority of traditional cowboy boots split the difference, and have heels that are half-way between a walking heel and a riding heel. Various bootmakers call this heel height by different names -- cowboy heel, low riding heel, or walking heel even. Regardless of what it may be called, heels of this height are the most common (to answer this question). These heels also usually taper slightly from the where it meets the sole to the bottom where it meets the floor -- but the tapering is minor in comparison with a true underslung heel.
This traditional heel height allows for pants (trousers) or jeans to stack (fold) softly across the foot of the boot and not come down below the place where the back of the leather on the foot is attached to the heel. If pants come lower than that, then they can become worn and frayed at the edges.
It is also easy enough for most men to learn how to walk in boots with a heel of this height. Men who do not wear boots often may at first have some trouble walking in boots with this heel height. Sometimes, men may miss a step (that is, catch the heel on a step because he did not raise his foot high enough to clear the heel on the next step.)
One thing to note as well about the physics of cowboy boot heels, besides how the height affects walking, is how the height affects sound. Generally speaking, the higher the heel and the more mass (size) it has, the more sound the heel will make on the floor, sidewalk, or pavement. Think about it something like a drum -- the bigger the size of the drum, the more deep, resounding sound it makes. About the same thing is true for cowboy boot heels. That's why many men's dress cowboy boots have rubber sole plates on them -- to dampen the sound.
Hearing the sound of a "cowboy boot clunk" is music to some guys' ears and an annoyance to others. I know some guys who have replaced a rubber sole plate with a wooden one they made themselves, so their boots can be heard! I know other guys who have a cobbler install a double-sole plate made of soft rubber, to dampen the sound. It really varies. (What do I do? I leave my boots the way they come. If they clunk, that's fine. If they don't, that's okay with me, too.)
So now you know -- what is the most common cowboy boot heel style? A heel that is slightly slanted, but not deeply underslung, and of a height that is about 1-1/2" to 1-5/8" (3.8 to 4.1cm).
Life is short: wear cowboy boots!
The question was, "what is the most common heel style for everyday wear on cowboy boots?" It was searched by someone in Texas, where cowboy boots are worn often.
As far as heel style goes -- walking (roper) heels are usually flat and blocky, with little if any slant. Riding heels are usually what's called "underslung." That means that the heels are larger at the place where they are attached to the sole and taper to a smaller size at the bottom. However, unlike high heels on women's shoes, underslung cowboy boot heels usually have a fairly large area at the bottom, rather than taper to a point.
Walking heels are found on boots like ropers which are very commonly worn in the U.S. West and Midwest. Ropers are affordable and easy to wear while walking or working.
This traditional heel height allows for pants (trousers) or jeans to stack (fold) softly across the foot of the boot and not come down below the place where the back of the leather on the foot is attached to the heel. If pants come lower than that, then they can become worn and frayed at the edges.
One thing to note as well about the physics of cowboy boot heels, besides how the height affects walking, is how the height affects sound. Generally speaking, the higher the heel and the more mass (size) it has, the more sound the heel will make on the floor, sidewalk, or pavement. Think about it something like a drum -- the bigger the size of the drum, the more deep, resounding sound it makes. About the same thing is true for cowboy boot heels. That's why many men's dress cowboy boots have rubber sole plates on them -- to dampen the sound.
So now you know -- what is the most common cowboy boot heel style? A heel that is slightly slanted, but not deeply underslung, and of a height that is about 1-1/2" to 1-5/8" (3.8 to 4.1cm).
Life is short: wear cowboy boots!
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Web Hosting Challenge Resolved
With regret, I had to abandon Hurricane Electric to serve as the host for my bootedman.com website and migrate it to another web host. I say that I regret having to take this action because I have been very loyal to Hurricane Electric and they've been very good -- until now.
Originally, I started to create this website using so-called "free" hosting by my ISP. But I learned quickly that the ISP was very slow and cumbersome to use. After about four months of struggling with the ISP's hosting, I talked about it with Larry and his husband Bill of hotboots.com. Bill is a real whiz when it comes to this stuff, and gave me some good advice. Both Larry and Bill recommended Hurricane Electric to host a site. Hotboots.com is hosted there and Larry has had nothing but praise for their reliability of service. So I purchased web hosting from them in April, 1996, and "bootedman.com" was born.
Man, a lot has changed with that site over five and a half years. I also have learned a lot more in my self-taught manner on how to write web pages including HTML, PHP, and javascripts. What took me an hour to do in 2006 takes just a few minutes today -- and that's good because I do not nearly have as much time to tinker with it as I once did.
As of the time I am writing this post, the server at Hurricane Electric that hosted bootedman.com just came back on-line after a 60-hour-plus outage. Such a shame. By their own admission, they have never had such an extended period of having a server be off-line.
H.E. has about the best Customer Support in the business -- always available by phone and responsive to email. Even throughout our Labor Day weekend, they still had someone who would take a call, even if he could not help me much and did not have any answers as to the nature of the problem with their server.
Fortunately, I kept a complete off-line backup of the website, so I was able to upload it to another host. That took eight hours--it's a huge site with 500 individual pages that all are internally linked, over 360 pages on the "Boots Wiki" knowledgebase, and over 8,300 images.
Now I am doing a lot of background checks, correction of missing links and pics, and other details. The site is working again, as is my email on that domain. I regret having to make this migration and make it permanent, but I was left with no choice.
Life is short: don't let loyalty get in the way when it comes to making business decisions.
Originally, I started to create this website using so-called "free" hosting by my ISP. But I learned quickly that the ISP was very slow and cumbersome to use. After about four months of struggling with the ISP's hosting, I talked about it with Larry and his husband Bill of hotboots.com. Bill is a real whiz when it comes to this stuff, and gave me some good advice. Both Larry and Bill recommended Hurricane Electric to host a site. Hotboots.com is hosted there and Larry has had nothing but praise for their reliability of service. So I purchased web hosting from them in April, 1996, and "bootedman.com" was born.
Man, a lot has changed with that site over five and a half years. I also have learned a lot more in my self-taught manner on how to write web pages including HTML, PHP, and javascripts. What took me an hour to do in 2006 takes just a few minutes today -- and that's good because I do not nearly have as much time to tinker with it as I once did.
As of the time I am writing this post, the server at Hurricane Electric that hosted bootedman.com just came back on-line after a 60-hour-plus outage. Such a shame. By their own admission, they have never had such an extended period of having a server be off-line.
H.E. has about the best Customer Support in the business -- always available by phone and responsive to email. Even throughout our Labor Day weekend, they still had someone who would take a call, even if he could not help me much and did not have any answers as to the nature of the problem with their server.
Fortunately, I kept a complete off-line backup of the website, so I was able to upload it to another host. That took eight hours--it's a huge site with 500 individual pages that all are internally linked, over 360 pages on the "Boots Wiki" knowledgebase, and over 8,300 images.
Now I am doing a lot of background checks, correction of missing links and pics, and other details. The site is working again, as is my email on that domain. I regret having to make this migration and make it permanent, but I was left with no choice.
Life is short: don't let loyalty get in the way when it comes to making business decisions.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Is It Gay to Wear Boots Without Jeans?
Hmmm... this could be taken a number of ways. Possibilities:
1. Ignorant child who uses the term "gay" to mean "lame". Answer: no, it is not lame to wear boots with other types of clothing, such as breeches (ask a cop), khaki or other "dress casual" pants for work (ask an office worker in the summer), BDUs (ask anyone in the military), or leather (ask a biker.)
2. You are homophobic, and are afraid that someone else might call you "gay" because you may choose to wear boots with different types of pants (such as listed in #1). Answer: there isn't much I can do for your troubled soul other than to pray that you will grow up some day.
3. You might be considering wearing boots with no other clothing. Answer: please don't. I don't want to see you naked in boots any more than you want to see me that way.
Life is short: wear boots with pants (including jeans, khakis, suits, breeches, BDUs... you get the point. Anything but your bare butt and you'll be fine.)
Monday, September 5, 2011
Significant Server Outage
I am dismayed and extend apologies to visitors of my "bootedman.com" website because it has endured significant outages due to problems of some sort at the host, Hurricane Electric. My site was not available for over eight hours on the night of August 30 through the morning of August 31, then again on September 4 it became unavailable at 5am (my time) and is STILL DOWN on Monday! Worst friggin' outage I have observed, ever.
It seems like Hurricane Electric has had minor outages happen every now and then, but nothing this long. Short outages of a couple hours have happened to me before and I have grumbled about it to the extend that they migrated me to another server.
I know I am sharing a server with other accounts, but this duration of unavailability of my website is truly a sad reflection on Hurricane Electric's claims of reliability and up-time. I cannot afford nor want to pay for a dedicated server -- heck, this is just a hobby site, after all. I am just disappointed and know that it is frustrating for visitors to get a "not found" or "timeout" error when they try to visit my website.
Again, I'm sorry this happened. It is beyond my control. Hopefully, H.E. will get get the problem fixed for the benefit of others who share that server. I regret that I have lost all faith and confidence in this web host, and have searched and found another one. I will move my site and reconfigure required files. What a pain in the ass.
Life is short: If you are looking for web hosting, I suggest looking elsewhere.
It seems like Hurricane Electric has had minor outages happen every now and then, but nothing this long. Short outages of a couple hours have happened to me before and I have grumbled about it to the extend that they migrated me to another server.
I know I am sharing a server with other accounts, but this duration of unavailability of my website is truly a sad reflection on Hurricane Electric's claims of reliability and up-time. I cannot afford nor want to pay for a dedicated server -- heck, this is just a hobby site, after all. I am just disappointed and know that it is frustrating for visitors to get a "not found" or "timeout" error when they try to visit my website.
Again, I'm sorry this happened. It is beyond my control. Hopefully, H.E. will get get the problem fixed for the benefit of others who share that server. I regret that I have lost all faith and confidence in this web host, and have searched and found another one. I will move my site and reconfigure required files. What a pain in the ass.
Life is short: If you are looking for web hosting, I suggest looking elsewhere.
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Why Are Biker Boots So Tall?
Plus, in my opinion, tall boots look cool.
So that's your answer to this question -- tall boots provide protection to the fragile skin of the lower leg, and they also look cool on a biker.
Life is short: real bikers wear boots (not sneakers, sandals, or flip-flops).
Saturday, September 3, 2011
Show Those You Love That You Love Them
I frequently end this blog with a phrase, "Life is short: show those you love that you love them." Whether it be familial love, spousal love, sibling love, neighborly love, or friendly love, there are people in your life who you care about, and doing things to demonstrate that you care about them in return is so incredibly important. Why? Because life is short.
A number of years ago, I was like so many others: caught up in my own life, dealing with my personal situations, problems, and concerns that I did not take time to do things to show others that I cared about them. I would do the "big things," like give birthday cards to siblings, give a call or visit on the most important dates for various reasons, but most of the time, I was self-absorbed.
Then Mr. B died. Who was he? An elderly man who lived behind another neighbor (Mrs. T) whose lawn I mowed. Mr. B was a kind, elderly man. He lived alone in a house where he and his wife raised their family. His wife had died some years earlier, so he remained alone in the house that he owned and didn't want to leave. Sometimes he would ask me to help him with yard work. He would say, "the older I get, the larger the property seems to become!" I would help him if I thought I had the time and wanted to make a few extra bucks, but I didn't do it as much as I probably could have.
One August day, I was mowing Mrs. T's lawn, looking forward to being paid for my work. I had already spent the money (in my mind) on something-or-other that I thought I "needed." I noticed that Mr. B's back door was open, which was unusual. I would look over there from time to time as I pushed that mower around. I noticed that Mr. B's lawn was awfully high, which was unusual. He usually kept a spotlessly trimmed yard.
After Mrs. T paid me my $10 for the lawn mowing, I decided to walk over to Mr. B's house to see if he were around, and perhaps offer to mow his lawn since it was so high -- I thought another payment for lawnmowing would be nice.
That's when I saw him -- collapsed on the floor right inside the back door. He had died. I was afraid and didn't know what to do. He was the first dead person I ever saw. I ran to Mrs. T's house and began to cry. I do not remember what I said, but an ambulance was called and the cops came. I was interviewed and I remember being told that it wasn't my fault. My Mom came to pick me up, hold me, comfort me, and reassure me.
I found out later that Mr. B had died three days before I found him. He was there, all alone. No one cared. No one was checking on him. I felt profoundly upset and moved by this experience. Imagine -- dying in your own home and no one knowing about it for three whole days!
That is when I began to be much more attentive to what I call my "network of senior pals." I started reaching out, making phone calls, dropping by for visits, and offering to help out with yardwork and home maintenance. At first, my offers to do work was for the money -- I admit. I was a kid without an allowance (in as large a family as we had, we didn't have an allowance). I needed to work.
But I realized that some of these older folks with whom I had begun to develop friendships were reluctant to hire anyone to help with work at their homes for three reasons: 1) they were reluctant to admit that they could not do strenuous activities like they once did; 2) they were rather particular about how they wanted things done, and were under the impression that no one else could do it the way they wanted the work done; and 3) they were frugal. Children of the Great Depression often are quite miserly with their money; even though they had plenty, they wanted to save it for when "they really needed it."
I do not have a cast of thousands that I look after, although it feels that way sometimes. As I have gotten older and have worked "my senior pal attention" into my daily routine, I divide the attention these ways:
1) some of my senior pals are quite independent and routinely hire the services they require, so for these folks, I send a birthday card and give them a call or exchange email from time to time;
2) some folks need advice, like in determining when they must call a professional vs. having me or a handyman do something to help out. I am sort of an "on-call" adviser to these folks. About 2 - 3 times each week, I receive a call saying, "a mutual friend (x) suggested I call you...." That's sweet.
3) some folks are very lonely, and just want to spend some time with a younger person. They have often said how much they feel isolated, being surrounded by "all these old people." It's something that I have learned about the psychology of aging. One does not want to admit that one is "old" but looks around, sees people of the same age, and prefers to engage with younger people. For these folks, I stop by for a visit, give a call, send an email, give a shout-out frequently via Facebook (if they're on it), and send cards for more than birthdays. I dunno, I may spend about 10-15 hours each week focusing on my lonely senior pals.
4) some folks need help and will not admit it. I learn through conversations how to sense that help may be needed. Rather than ask, "may I take you to the store?" which will always be declined with a response, "I'm fine," I say this, "Look, I'll be going by your house on my way to the grocery store. I'm a guy -- I don't know that much about what kinds of groceries are good to get. Can you help me out by letting me pick you up and go grocery shopping?" What I do is turn the psychology -- older folks want to help others, but don't want to be offered help because they feel it is an imposition. I continue to find ways to suggest, "here is how you can help me" when I am clearly attempting to do the opposite. This method has been very successful.
5) I serve as a "kvetcher" on behalf of seniors. "Kvetch" is Yiddish and means "incessantly complain." If one of my senior pals has been done wrong by a company, particularly one of those monopolies like the phone or cable company, I write letters, get on the phone, and continue to kvetch until my senior pal's problem is resolved. Grrrrr... (I even have the President of the local phone monopoly on speed dial!)
I dunno, there are other ways that I involve myself with this network, but it is much more than a one-way street. These folks have done so much to help me in many intangible ways. I truly feel that my world is so much better. They give me a sense of purpose, continue to help me focus on the positive, and sustain my spirit. Every.single.day.
I am not suggesting by this post that I think that I am the only one who extends love to others in various ways, or that I am saving the world. I truly believe that all of us can make a powerful and positive difference in the lives of others. We just have to make room for it in our lives to try.
I suggest that you look around, and ask simple questions like at a grocery store, turn to an older person who may look lonely and ask, "what do you think is a good brand of (whatever) to select for my family for dinner?" or to someone in the pew next to you at church, "I find that lawn mowing helps me achieve my exercise goals. May I mow your lawn sometime?" or to the senior neighbor down the street, "I bought a new battery-powered drill and want to fix something -- like that broken door you mentioned. Can you help me try out my new drill by letting me fix your door?"
These are a few examples, taken from my "real" life. I know that everyone is different, and every situation is not the same. You may not know enough about someone to ask questions to frame them in such a way as someone else helping you by you helping them. But opening the door, having a conversation, and keeping the communication going surely are ways to show that you care.
Life is short: show those you love that you love them.
A number of years ago, I was like so many others: caught up in my own life, dealing with my personal situations, problems, and concerns that I did not take time to do things to show others that I cared about them. I would do the "big things," like give birthday cards to siblings, give a call or visit on the most important dates for various reasons, but most of the time, I was self-absorbed.
Then Mr. B died. Who was he? An elderly man who lived behind another neighbor (Mrs. T) whose lawn I mowed. Mr. B was a kind, elderly man. He lived alone in a house where he and his wife raised their family. His wife had died some years earlier, so he remained alone in the house that he owned and didn't want to leave. Sometimes he would ask me to help him with yard work. He would say, "the older I get, the larger the property seems to become!" I would help him if I thought I had the time and wanted to make a few extra bucks, but I didn't do it as much as I probably could have.
One August day, I was mowing Mrs. T's lawn, looking forward to being paid for my work. I had already spent the money (in my mind) on something-or-other that I thought I "needed." I noticed that Mr. B's back door was open, which was unusual. I would look over there from time to time as I pushed that mower around. I noticed that Mr. B's lawn was awfully high, which was unusual. He usually kept a spotlessly trimmed yard.
After Mrs. T paid me my $10 for the lawn mowing, I decided to walk over to Mr. B's house to see if he were around, and perhaps offer to mow his lawn since it was so high -- I thought another payment for lawnmowing would be nice.
That's when I saw him -- collapsed on the floor right inside the back door. He had died. I was afraid and didn't know what to do. He was the first dead person I ever saw. I ran to Mrs. T's house and began to cry. I do not remember what I said, but an ambulance was called and the cops came. I was interviewed and I remember being told that it wasn't my fault. My Mom came to pick me up, hold me, comfort me, and reassure me.
I found out later that Mr. B had died three days before I found him. He was there, all alone. No one cared. No one was checking on him. I felt profoundly upset and moved by this experience. Imagine -- dying in your own home and no one knowing about it for three whole days!
That is when I began to be much more attentive to what I call my "network of senior pals." I started reaching out, making phone calls, dropping by for visits, and offering to help out with yardwork and home maintenance. At first, my offers to do work was for the money -- I admit. I was a kid without an allowance (in as large a family as we had, we didn't have an allowance). I needed to work.
But I realized that some of these older folks with whom I had begun to develop friendships were reluctant to hire anyone to help with work at their homes for three reasons: 1) they were reluctant to admit that they could not do strenuous activities like they once did; 2) they were rather particular about how they wanted things done, and were under the impression that no one else could do it the way they wanted the work done; and 3) they were frugal. Children of the Great Depression often are quite miserly with their money; even though they had plenty, they wanted to save it for when "they really needed it."
I do not have a cast of thousands that I look after, although it feels that way sometimes. As I have gotten older and have worked "my senior pal attention" into my daily routine, I divide the attention these ways:
1) some of my senior pals are quite independent and routinely hire the services they require, so for these folks, I send a birthday card and give them a call or exchange email from time to time;
2) some folks need advice, like in determining when they must call a professional vs. having me or a handyman do something to help out. I am sort of an "on-call" adviser to these folks. About 2 - 3 times each week, I receive a call saying, "a mutual friend (x) suggested I call you...." That's sweet.
3) some folks are very lonely, and just want to spend some time with a younger person. They have often said how much they feel isolated, being surrounded by "all these old people." It's something that I have learned about the psychology of aging. One does not want to admit that one is "old" but looks around, sees people of the same age, and prefers to engage with younger people. For these folks, I stop by for a visit, give a call, send an email, give a shout-out frequently via Facebook (if they're on it), and send cards for more than birthdays. I dunno, I may spend about 10-15 hours each week focusing on my lonely senior pals.
4) some folks need help and will not admit it. I learn through conversations how to sense that help may be needed. Rather than ask, "may I take you to the store?" which will always be declined with a response, "I'm fine," I say this, "Look, I'll be going by your house on my way to the grocery store. I'm a guy -- I don't know that much about what kinds of groceries are good to get. Can you help me out by letting me pick you up and go grocery shopping?" What I do is turn the psychology -- older folks want to help others, but don't want to be offered help because they feel it is an imposition. I continue to find ways to suggest, "here is how you can help me" when I am clearly attempting to do the opposite. This method has been very successful.
5) I serve as a "kvetcher" on behalf of seniors. "Kvetch" is Yiddish and means "incessantly complain." If one of my senior pals has been done wrong by a company, particularly one of those monopolies like the phone or cable company, I write letters, get on the phone, and continue to kvetch until my senior pal's problem is resolved. Grrrrr... (I even have the President of the local phone monopoly on speed dial!)
I dunno, there are other ways that I involve myself with this network, but it is much more than a one-way street. These folks have done so much to help me in many intangible ways. I truly feel that my world is so much better. They give me a sense of purpose, continue to help me focus on the positive, and sustain my spirit. Every.single.day.
I am not suggesting by this post that I think that I am the only one who extends love to others in various ways, or that I am saving the world. I truly believe that all of us can make a powerful and positive difference in the lives of others. We just have to make room for it in our lives to try.
I suggest that you look around, and ask simple questions like at a grocery store, turn to an older person who may look lonely and ask, "what do you think is a good brand of (whatever) to select for my family for dinner?" or to someone in the pew next to you at church, "I find that lawn mowing helps me achieve my exercise goals. May I mow your lawn sometime?" or to the senior neighbor down the street, "I bought a new battery-powered drill and want to fix something -- like that broken door you mentioned. Can you help me try out my new drill by letting me fix your door?"
These are a few examples, taken from my "real" life. I know that everyone is different, and every situation is not the same. You may not know enough about someone to ask questions to frame them in such a way as someone else helping you by you helping them. But opening the door, having a conversation, and keeping the communication going surely are ways to show that you care.
Life is short: show those you love that you love them.
Friday, September 2, 2011
Where Are the Leatherdudes?
I received a message via Recon, which is a site that I seldom check any more, but have a profile there to maintain my "BHD" identity and to prevent others from using that identity and cause confusion.
Anyway, I was asked, "can you help me find someone who likes leather and help me to learn about the leather scene?"
Gosh, it's been so long that I've engaged in that realm, I had to reply that I really don't know.
These days, there are very few leather-oriented venues where guys gather on a social and frequent basis. Back in the 70s, 80s, and 90s, bars were the prime location to find other guys into this. These days, bars have been replaced by the internet, which comes with a completely different set of "rules" and methods of meeting other people. I've said before, I met my partner through traditional means -- joining a club -- long before the Internet was available to the masses.
I'm so old, stable, monogamous, community-oriented, and established in my suburban lifestyle that I have not gone out to a bar or attended events like IML, MAL, or Folsom in years. I have no intention of attending these events again. Been there, done that. Want some old t-shirts?
I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with going to IML, MAL, or Folsom. Fine for single guys or guys in relationships that they call "open". My relationship is absolutely closed, including any potential for going out by myself to such events. I wouldn't think of it. My partner is my life, and if he doesn't want to go, and I'm too tired to go, then we don't. That's just how it is as a monogamous gay couple ages.
To try to answer this guy's legitimate question, I suggested that he try to attend one of these events to meet other guys and perhaps attend workshops that may be offered. I'm not a fan of trying to find someone on-line, because there are so many posers out there who aren't who they claim to be. You never really know who someone is until you meet them in person. (And if you do, be safe and meet in a public place. By all means, don't invite someone you have not met to your home the first time you may meet!)
Where are all the leatherdudes? Well, in my humble opinion, there are three answers:
1. Like me, they have "aged out" of being interested any more in attending social events and don't go. Unlike me, they probably have closets full of gear that they don't wear any more. I wear my leathers regularly in my off-time as I go about my daily life. Heck, I've made such an investment in it, I don't want it gathering dust in the closet or in a trunk, never used again. What a waste.
2. Some attend events like IML, MAL, Folsom, and a few other, smaller, lesser-known "runs" or gatherings. Check around. There may be one that you can attend.
3. The younger ones have morphed from buying and wearing leather to other types of fetish gear such as rubber, latex, etc. I don't know much about that, as I'm not into that kind of gear or play. Face it, I'm an old-fashioned leatherdude and am not interested in less expensive alternatives to fetish interests.
I know this post hasn't been much help to those seeking someone who can help them learn about the leather life in the gay community. I have been out of it for so long, I just don't know.
Life is short: know who you are now and be okay with that.
Anyway, I was asked, "can you help me find someone who likes leather and help me to learn about the leather scene?"
Gosh, it's been so long that I've engaged in that realm, I had to reply that I really don't know.
These days, there are very few leather-oriented venues where guys gather on a social and frequent basis. Back in the 70s, 80s, and 90s, bars were the prime location to find other guys into this. These days, bars have been replaced by the internet, which comes with a completely different set of "rules" and methods of meeting other people. I've said before, I met my partner through traditional means -- joining a club -- long before the Internet was available to the masses.
I'm so old, stable, monogamous, community-oriented, and established in my suburban lifestyle that I have not gone out to a bar or attended events like IML, MAL, or Folsom in years. I have no intention of attending these events again. Been there, done that. Want some old t-shirts?
I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with going to IML, MAL, or Folsom. Fine for single guys or guys in relationships that they call "open". My relationship is absolutely closed, including any potential for going out by myself to such events. I wouldn't think of it. My partner is my life, and if he doesn't want to go, and I'm too tired to go, then we don't. That's just how it is as a monogamous gay couple ages.
To try to answer this guy's legitimate question, I suggested that he try to attend one of these events to meet other guys and perhaps attend workshops that may be offered. I'm not a fan of trying to find someone on-line, because there are so many posers out there who aren't who they claim to be. You never really know who someone is until you meet them in person. (And if you do, be safe and meet in a public place. By all means, don't invite someone you have not met to your home the first time you may meet!)
Where are all the leatherdudes? Well, in my humble opinion, there are three answers:
1. Like me, they have "aged out" of being interested any more in attending social events and don't go. Unlike me, they probably have closets full of gear that they don't wear any more. I wear my leathers regularly in my off-time as I go about my daily life. Heck, I've made such an investment in it, I don't want it gathering dust in the closet or in a trunk, never used again. What a waste.
2. Some attend events like IML, MAL, Folsom, and a few other, smaller, lesser-known "runs" or gatherings. Check around. There may be one that you can attend.
3. The younger ones have morphed from buying and wearing leather to other types of fetish gear such as rubber, latex, etc. I don't know much about that, as I'm not into that kind of gear or play. Face it, I'm an old-fashioned leatherdude and am not interested in less expensive alternatives to fetish interests.
I know this post hasn't been much help to those seeking someone who can help them learn about the leather life in the gay community. I have been out of it for so long, I just don't know.
Life is short: know who you are now and be okay with that.
Thursday, September 1, 2011
Cowboy Boots for School
It is (or has been) back-to-school time. Traffic is heavier as all the families with children have returned from summer vacations and school buses are back on the roads.
Over the last week or so, I have noticed that some people from high schools (that's what their servers show) have entered into a search engine, "Can you wear cowboy boots to school?" or "is it cool to wear cowboy boots to school?" or "How can I wear cowboy boots to school."
I won't bother correcting the English -- of course you "can" wear cowboy boots "to" school but the real questions remain, "do you want to wear them all day while in school?" as well as how you perceive what others may think about you wearing cowboy boots.
Here's the deal -- second issue first.
High school students continue to be exceptionally concerned with the clothes that they wear, including footwear. They notice what other classmates are wearing and usually choose to wear what is popular and considered the current style. Seldom (while there is a lot of talk about it), high school students cannot assert independent choices in the matter of clothing and footwear. They get all wrapped up in worrying about what other people will think of them.
Consider this a lesson of high school: as you become older and more mature, you will learn that worrying about current fashion and style, as well as what other people think about what you are wearing, is kiddie stuff. Seriously, it really doesn't matter.
Now, on the matter of whether you want to wear cowboy boots all day while in school -- that has a lot to do with how far you have to walk and how much you have to stand. Generally, well-made cowboy boots have well-constructed footbeds and insoles, meaning that they are comfortable to walk in and to stand in, such as in lines for various things. But walking miles in cowboy boots or standing for hours can take its toll on your feet. Consider that.
Also, let me warn you -- pay less than US$100 for a pair of cowboy boots, and you probably will be very sorry about buying them. Cheap boots are usually very uncomfortable. They are usually made in China by machine, assembled with glue instead of stitching, and the materials and craftsmanship are awful. You'll be sorry -- so if you can't afford to get a decent pair of cowboy boots on the entry-level (US$150 - $200), such as made by Justin, Dan Post, or Tony Lama, for example, then continue wearing sneakers.
A lot of guys choose roper-style cowboy boots, rather than traditional 13" cowboy boots. And that's of any age, not just younger guys. Personally, I'm old-fashioned and like the traditional cowboy boots instead of ropers, but that is a personal opinion and is not a reflection on the style of boot itself.
When I was in high school, I wore boots every day (except in gym class, when I had to wear sneakers.) That was back in the '70s, so the most popular boot style for guys was Frye harness or campus boots. But I also switched out and wore several pairs of cowboy boots throughout my high school years.
I admit, sometimes some other kids would make a wisecrack. At first I was way too sensitive and their comments hurt my feelings. Kids can be very cruel to each other. But I continued to wear boots because I liked them. Eventually my classmates stopped making wisecracks and remarks because I stopped responding to them. Plus, at least in the 70s, Frye boots were the "cool boots" to wear, and lots of other guys were wearing them.
These days, particularly on the U.S. East Coast where I live, few high school boys wear boots. But I have noticed at least one exception -- a student who lives down the street from me. I have seen him wear cowboy boots to school a lot -- I see him as he is walking home while I am returning from work. Sometimes I stop and give him a ride, particularly in bad weather. He has asked me about boots and told me that he likes to wear them. He thinks his classmates give a nod of approval, because he said that others have called the boots "cool." He also said that a few of his friends have begun to wear boots to school because he started the trend. Good for him!
In summary, some independent-minded, free-spirited, "I could-care-less-what-others-think" guys will choose to wear cowboy boots to school. I just recommend that if you do that, get good quality boots so they will be comfortable. I think you will be pleased at the compliments you'll get from others by wearing boots to school.
Life is short: wear boots!
Over the last week or so, I have noticed that some people from high schools (that's what their servers show) have entered into a search engine, "Can you wear cowboy boots to school?" or "is it cool to wear cowboy boots to school?" or "How can I wear cowboy boots to school."
I won't bother correcting the English -- of course you "can" wear cowboy boots "to" school but the real questions remain, "do you want to wear them all day while in school?" as well as how you perceive what others may think about you wearing cowboy boots.
Here's the deal -- second issue first.
High school students continue to be exceptionally concerned with the clothes that they wear, including footwear. They notice what other classmates are wearing and usually choose to wear what is popular and considered the current style. Seldom (while there is a lot of talk about it), high school students cannot assert independent choices in the matter of clothing and footwear. They get all wrapped up in worrying about what other people will think of them.
Consider this a lesson of high school: as you become older and more mature, you will learn that worrying about current fashion and style, as well as what other people think about what you are wearing, is kiddie stuff. Seriously, it really doesn't matter.
Now, on the matter of whether you want to wear cowboy boots all day while in school -- that has a lot to do with how far you have to walk and how much you have to stand. Generally, well-made cowboy boots have well-constructed footbeds and insoles, meaning that they are comfortable to walk in and to stand in, such as in lines for various things. But walking miles in cowboy boots or standing for hours can take its toll on your feet. Consider that.
Also, let me warn you -- pay less than US$100 for a pair of cowboy boots, and you probably will be very sorry about buying them. Cheap boots are usually very uncomfortable. They are usually made in China by machine, assembled with glue instead of stitching, and the materials and craftsmanship are awful. You'll be sorry -- so if you can't afford to get a decent pair of cowboy boots on the entry-level (US$150 - $200), such as made by Justin, Dan Post, or Tony Lama, for example, then continue wearing sneakers.
A lot of guys choose roper-style cowboy boots, rather than traditional 13" cowboy boots. And that's of any age, not just younger guys. Personally, I'm old-fashioned and like the traditional cowboy boots instead of ropers, but that is a personal opinion and is not a reflection on the style of boot itself.
When I was in high school, I wore boots every day (except in gym class, when I had to wear sneakers.) That was back in the '70s, so the most popular boot style for guys was Frye harness or campus boots. But I also switched out and wore several pairs of cowboy boots throughout my high school years.
I admit, sometimes some other kids would make a wisecrack. At first I was way too sensitive and their comments hurt my feelings. Kids can be very cruel to each other. But I continued to wear boots because I liked them. Eventually my classmates stopped making wisecracks and remarks because I stopped responding to them. Plus, at least in the 70s, Frye boots were the "cool boots" to wear, and lots of other guys were wearing them.
These days, particularly on the U.S. East Coast where I live, few high school boys wear boots. But I have noticed at least one exception -- a student who lives down the street from me. I have seen him wear cowboy boots to school a lot -- I see him as he is walking home while I am returning from work. Sometimes I stop and give him a ride, particularly in bad weather. He has asked me about boots and told me that he likes to wear them. He thinks his classmates give a nod of approval, because he said that others have called the boots "cool." He also said that a few of his friends have begun to wear boots to school because he started the trend. Good for him!
In summary, some independent-minded, free-spirited, "I could-care-less-what-others-think" guys will choose to wear cowboy boots to school. I just recommend that if you do that, get good quality boots so they will be comfortable. I think you will be pleased at the compliments you'll get from others by wearing boots to school.
Life is short: wear boots!
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