When Did You Become Gay?

I received an email the other day from someone with whom I grew up, but after high school, we had lost touch. We saw each other at high school reunions and shared pleasantries, always with the closing comment of "let's keep in touch...," but for one reason or another, we didn't.

Anyway, my former high school classmate wrote to me the other day and told me that a Google search revealed this blog, and in it, my classmate recognized my photo, then read the lines that I state in my profile, "I am just your average monogamously partnered gay guy next door...".

The email asked, "when did you become gay?" Like it was a chronic affliction. Reading between the lines, I saw some degree of puzzlement, concern, and inquiry without trying to be judgmental. Taking this question directly as written, there are a number of ways I could go with it.

I decided before I responded to ask for more information -- what did my former classmate want to know? The response was quick and more direct: "when did you know you were gay? Were you gay in high school? Did you have a [relationship] with [former classmate known-at-the-time-to-be-gay]?"

I could answer all of those questions:

• I didn't really understand that I was gay until later, when I reached my early 20s.

• Yes, I was gay in high school, because I believe I was born gay; however, I didn't act on those interests. I really didn't know at the time what my sexual orientation was.

• While [former classmate referred to] and I were in several of the same classes, no, I did not have sex with him. I just treated him like anyone else -- a friend with whom I grew up and with whom I shared some classes.

The only question that my former classmate asked that I could not answer without being rude or snarky was, "why?"

Why? Why am I gay? That again resulted in my asking for more information so that I didn't take it the wrong way. And his response was rather direct: "Why Did You Become Gay?"

I decided to reply with a clinical response: It is genetically related to chromosome Xq28, according to this study.

I did not hear back from my former classmate. I am uncertain if I will. I hope I answered the question without being critical or sounding offended at being asked. Since email lacks tone and visual cues, it is hard to interpret what was being asked and how to respond. I decided to remain non-judgmental, not take offense, and just answer the question. However, I can't help but feel that this former classmate is among the misinformed who believe that being gay is a choice. I really do not believe that I could "become gay" as much as I could "become" someone of another race. My sexual orientation is that innate (to me.)

Life is short: be who you are.