Some of my past blog posts about gay men and masculinity, or masculine gay men, or even "if" gay men can look and behave in a masculine manner, continue to be among the most viewed on this blog. They are found when people use a search engine and look up "masculine gay men" or "how to find a masculine gay guy" or "can a guy be gay and masculine."
I read a blog post dated November 6, 2009, titled, The Myth of the Masculine Gay Man. In that post, the author describes some generalities and stereotypes attributed to gay men, and takes some criticism for what he said, as well.
I found the post interesting and consistent with some things that I have said. I believe that it is possible to be gay and to behave in a typical male, masculine manner. I'm just wired that way. There are other gay men who behave more effeminately, who dress more fashionably, who speak with a distinctive voice or sound, and whose behavior is more or less obviously "gay" and therefore, is more likely to be out of the closet.
I contend that there are a number of us guys who are not so obvious in our mannerisms and behavior to be labeled immediately by straight people as being gay. The blog contends: "The reason that homosexual men who don’t fall into the common "girly-man" stereotype do not come out is because of an intense fear of being excommunicated from their social group. Suddenly, once 'out,' they are no longer a man."
I both agree and disagree with this assertion. I had been in the closet for a number of years, primarily for fear of reprisal where I once worked. That's all behind me with maturity and a change of jobs where being gay is no big deal. There are other gay men where I work, and nobody treats us differently. Some of my gay peers are quite effeminate, and some are not. We all have a job to do, and that's that. No big deal. I remain a member of my social group which consists primarily of straight people, because they compose the members of the committees, clubs, and activities in which I choose to engage. I do not self-isolate to participate in activities only with other gay people. I like to participate with people who share common interests -- not "just" being gay or "just" ... well... anything.
The blogger states further: "The typically masculine gay man has no category. He has no home. For him to come out of the closet is to take off a mask that no one knew was there. This kind of personal/sexual revelation makes people uncomfortable because they are forced to ask, Who else? To admit that gay men can be manly men -- and not some effeminate subspecies -- makes all men ask themselves, 'could it be me next?' "
I sense among straight guys who participate in activities in which I participate that they do not ask themselves, "could it be me next," but rather seem to be questioning their own perceptions of what "being gay" means. I set a different example from what their previously limited exposure to gay people has been. I live in a nice home. I live in a stable, loving relationship. I have a warm and supportive family. I have a full-time job with a regular work week. I work on several local and state political campaigns and even chaired a few in the past. I contribute to the well-being of my community through active involvement and giving my time to help others. That's just who I am. I am complex, and not easily categorized.
And that's my point of this particular blog post: the masculine gay man is not easy to categorize. He has his interests, activities, home life, work life, and behavior as any other person does. He may not socialize only with gay people. He may not be the guy wearing a tiara in the next LGBT parade; in fact, he probably even isn't seen on the sidelines watching. He may, or may not, be the guy dressed in leather at the next gathering of the Great Leather Clan. He may be seen presenting testimony before city or county elected officials. He may be playing recreational sports with friends on the local rugby or softball team. He may be involved with groups that do activities he enjoys. He may be at the sports bar during "the big game" cheering on his team, or hosting "the guys" for a poker and cigar night. He may be helping to care for older parents and loved-ones.
You see, to me, a masculine gay guy is first and foremost, a guy. He is who he is by how comfortable he is in his own skin. Being gay is not his primary raison d'ĂȘtre.
Gay men are all colors of the rainbow, and all have a seat at the table.
Life is short: be who you are.
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