Gay Men-Straight Men Friendships

The other day, someone googled the phrase, "Gay Men - Straight Men Friendships" and it ended up on this blog. But I realized that I haven't blogged much about those types of relationships.

Okay, so I am a gay man. I am in a monogamous relationship with a man -- my mate, partner, best half... etc. Most of my friends are straight -- as is most of the world. What is my relationship with men in my world who are straight?

To be honest, it varies. Most guys I know are open-minded, and don't consider my sexual orientation as a threat to their manhood. But some are wary, distant, puzzled, or just don't want to deal with it. That description fits best about the guys who I ride motorcycles with. They're fine if I'm out there riding, but they generally prefer not to socialize with me. Then again, I don't socialize with them much, either. Not because I don't like them, but because the social activities besides motorcycling that they do are not something I enjoy: going to a ball game, dancing, hanging out late at a restaurant or bar. All these things don't interest me. They never have. And not because I'm gay, but because I never have enjoyed sports, dining, dancing, drinking alcohol to excess, etc. (Just ask my twin brother!)

In the on-line community, I have enjoyed hearing from a lot of guys, both gay and straight. They all express concern and camaraderie, and bring a smile to my face in knowing that they care. While most of my on-line contacts are gay, not all are. In fact, several of the guys I communicate with regularly are straight. Sexual orientation isn't an issue to these guys who are secure in their own self-perception.

It really all comes down to how confident and secure people are. Men who are confident in themselves, their identity, and their sexual orientation don't care if I am gay. They care about me as a person. One who can share information, fun, and camaraderie.

I can say that I have a lot of friends, many of whom I have known since childhood. They have known me all of their lives and the fact that I am gay is never an issue because they knew me before they knew my sexual orientation.

New people who I meet generally are friendly and we get along well. Then when they find out that I am gay, some don't think a thing about it (or indicate that they do), and some will become more distant. I let them decide how to relate to me. I don't push myself on them (or anyone.) It's their decision as to what type of relationship to have with me.

Does it bother me that some men distance themselves from me once they find out that I am gay? Sure. I'm a sensitive guy. But I am also mature enough to realize that some guys just don't want to develop a deeper relationship as a friend with a guy whose sexual orientation is opposite their own.

Further, I have to admit that what forms bonds of friendships is shared interests. Are you interested in boots and leather? We can talk for days, weeks, years. You want to know about websites, blogging, wikis, etc.? Let's talk! How to repair and remodel a house? I got 'ya covered. Shared history in going to school and growing up together? We've got lots to talk about.

But if you want to know who is competing in the Olympics, what teams are playing football or baseball, or what grammafronzit fits best in a motorcycle engine, then that leaves me out. I'm just not interested in those things. Interest in sports, engines, or activities like that is not a gay/straight matter. There are a lot of gay guys who are very interested in sports, who build bikes, or fix up cars. I just don't happen to be one of them.

Issues about shared interests is what begins the development of a friendship, and builds those bonds for a durable period of time. If we aren't interested in the same things, then we don't have much to talk about, do we? That has nothing to do with being gay or straight as it has to do with what we can do and talk about together.

I look at who I call my "closest" friends. Two (one straight male and one straight female) from my childhood; my very close friends met through on-line activities: AZ, Clay, Kevin, and Bama -- three gay and one straight. My senior pals -- almost too numerous to count -- and all straight. They are close because of what we have done and shared together, and my sexual orientation has nothing to do with it.

I am a confident, secure, masculine gay man. I am well connected in my community and in my profession. If someone doesn't want to be my friend, I can live with it. I do... all the time. It's natural, and I no longer get upset if someone doesn't seem to want to reach out and build a closer relationship. That will happen with some people, and not with others.

Life is short: know who you are, and be happy with that. Have friends who care about you, and show you care for them.