Persistence for the Partner

It seems as if every day presents a new challenge for my partner. His health condition remains difficult, but let me assure you, he is fairing as best as he can. He is working part-time, resting and eating well. However, his medical condition remains fragile, and messes with his head. Literally. He can't think logically and easily gets overwhelmed, which results in confusion, agitation, and bouts of emotion.

We are in it for the long-haul. I am as committed to him as ever....

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How My Heart Breaks

My partner's health condition remains a mess. You would think that since we have a good idea what is causing his symptoms, he could receive appropriate treatment. Nope. Such is his life being caught between having a diagnosis with a condition that our Government considers "real" vs. a condition that our Government thinks does not exist. If a condition does not exist, then doctors are not allowed to provide a treatment. Bullshit!

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Marriage? Not So Fast

Yesterday, the Governor of the U.S. state where my partner and I live signed legislation that was passed by our state's General Assembly to make it legal for same-sex couples to marry in a civil procedure, such as by a Justice of the Peace or by a Judge in a county courthouse.

When will my partner and I marry?

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Detective Work Finds Treatment for my Partner

Last Friday, I had to bring my partner to the hospital because his condition had gotten to be so bad, he needed treatment -- at least to get him to be able to sleep, which he had not been able to do. During that day-long hospitalization, he was anesthetized and given many more tests, including an MRI, CT, and a spinal tap. They took more blood than I thought he had.

Tuesday evening, his primary care physician called and said that he wanted to see my partner -- at home! Imagine: a house call in 2012.

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Back Home

I am happy to say that as of 7:30am this morning, I brought my partner back home. He was poked and prodded and interviewed and examined by 14 doctors -- yep, 14 of them -- all day yesterday. Another MRI and a spinal tap and other invasive, painful tests. Fortunately, he was under anesthesia for the worst of it.

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Beyond Pain...

My poor partner... his frightful medical situation is worse -- so bad that I had to carry him, literally, to see his doctor yesterday. The doc wants him admitted to the hospital. No explanation for the intense, body-wide pain.

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For My Valentine

Enjoy "our song" with us.

We heard JMM sing this tune (see video below) for us just a couple months after we met, and soon after the song was introduced. We were at Wolf Trap Farm Park, a national park music venue in the Virginia suburbs of Washington, DC, where he performed in June, 1993.

There we were, right in front, and he sang with such a soulful, melodic voice. My partner and I held each other, danced (a little bit) and vowed that whenever we marry, legally, this song will be played.

Share our joy today, our love, with a spirit of thanksgiving for the man who makes me whole.


Life is short: show those you love how you love them. Happy Valentines Day!

My Valentine Makes Our Kitchen Hot!

Valentine's Day hype and hoopla aside, I still get mushy about this day and the relationship with my man, my hunky Valentine.

Each day of the year I find at least one way to show my partner how much I love him. Not only sharing words, but through deeds which demonstrate my love for the man who is my best half, best friend, and who means the world to me. From the day we met almost 19 years ago until this very moment, I love him deeply.

What am I doing on Valentine's Day for my man?

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Advocating for My Partner: Patience, Trial and Error

My partner has had an onslaught of various medical problems that began last November, and persist today.  However, things are getting a little bit better. He is not fully recovered, nor may he ever be. But we are taking it one day at a time.

I shan't bore you with all the details. But I do want to share some lessons that we learned that may help you, or someone you care about, in the future.

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My Man is My Priority

The Light of My Life, my partner, my best friend, my soulmate, my everything, has been seriously ill for over a month now. On top of some sort of neurological problem which occurs at random and is severe when it happens, he has a really bad cold which has persisted for more than a week. Something is really wrong. He has never had something like a cold last more than a few days, and seldom even gets one.

My partner and I are worried, and are at a loss about what to do. He has seen so many specialists that if there were stock in "doctors" and we owned just one share, we would be rich. He has gone through so many tests that he is glowing in the dark. All the tests, so far, are "inconclusive."

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Positive Focus

So yeah, my last post on this blog was a bit of a downer and uncharacteristic of my usual nature in writing more positively and/or instructively. Sorry about that; nobody likes a gripey sourpuss, myself included. However, it is my blog, and it serves as a bit of a catharsis to write about how I am feeling.

I received some direct email messages as a result of that blog post, and I appreciate what my friends had to say in expressions of concern.

Where do we go from here?

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A Different Christmas

This year, everything is different. Priorities have changed, the feeling of being on pins and needles, tiptoeing on egg shells... all that. And more. Yep, this year, it is a different Christmas.

What is different?

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Priority Number One

This time of year is always a challenge with events leading up to Christmas. Requests to attend parties, visits with family and friends who come to town to visit their family, and my ongoing focus on my senior pals, all have demands on a limited supply of time. And that's not to mention decorating our house, which is something my partner truly enjoys as he likes to have our house looking cheery, particularly to brighten the spirits of his mother who spends Christmas with us.

However, I have had a wake-up call to the demands of my time and priorities for something far more critical...

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What "Woof" Means

The following photos are of my partner. These photos demonstrate what, in my opinion, is what "woof" means when one guy says it to another.

My partner is wearing a new pair of Mr. S leather jeans that he wanted and with which I presented him on his birthday yesterday. These jeans fit him perfectly. Woofity-woof-woof!

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Milestone Birthday

Today is a milestone birthday for my beloved partner. I will be devoting the entire day to bringing joy to his life, and showing him how much I love him. I have a few tricks up my sleeve...

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When a Stroke Isn't a Stroke

Sunday, my partner and I were tending to routine fall outdoor cleanup chores when he suddenly complained of being very dizzy and became nauseous. His speech was slurred and one eye was dilated while the other was not.

I kept my calm, but seriously thought he was having a stroke.

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The Usual Columbus Weekend

This weekend includes a holiday on Monday to recognize that Christopher Columbus and his shipmates were greeted by Native Americans upon arrival in North America. Yeah, my maternal ancestors were here before he was, yet he gets all the recognition for "founding America." Ha!

It also marks the weekend that my partner and I visit his mother up in da'Burgh, where we will redd up her homestead in preparashun for winner. Yeah, she lives up dere in Alahgany channy, near where da Mon and Agony rivers form da Ahia, nof-ees of da sitty in a tahny tahnship. Or is it a burrah? Anyways, it's called Mickeys Rocks, or just "da Rox" for short.

Now, back to "normal speak" ... LOL! But I tell ya, it has taken me years to learn how to translate Pittsburghese until my dear friend, AZ, pointed out an on-line translator. Once we are within 50 miles of his hometown, my partner begins tawkin lahk dat.

If any of this blog's visitors are not from the United States, I extend my apologies, because I know these phrases must be very difficult to understand. Believe me, it is hard for me to understand, and I am a native speaker of American English!

Well, home repairs and yardwork await. My mother-in-law is anxious to have us visit, and she truly appreciates the help. While she sometimes is not all that easy to be around, she is the only mother my partner has, and she has learned to care for me in her own quirky way, so we will be fine. I do what I need to do, always... 'cause I love my partner. That's what it is really all about. Giving up two three-day weekends each year (Memorial Day and Columbus Day) is the least I can do to show my partner that I mean what I close this blog with regularly:

life is short: show those you love that you love them.

A Closed Relationship

I read often on various gay forums, blogs, and fetish sites about gay guys who have an "open" relationship. To them, it is okay to "play around" (i.e., have sex) with men other than their partner. That is how they live their respective lives and understand their relationship to be.

I have a rather strong opinion that such relationships do not work for the long term, but who am I to judge -- a guy who is for all intents and purposes, monogamously married.

The common marriage vow expresses a couple's relationship to each other "to have and to hold, for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, until death do us part."

I know that is rather hokey in today's society, but I have to say that this is exactly how my partner and I feel about each other. We live by the meaning of that vow even though the law does not allow us to express it to each other formally and have it be recognized by the state.

We have a "closed" relationship. We love each other without question, without judgment, and without reservation. I almost said, "without condition" but I have to say that there are indeed some conditions. We didn't put these conditions in writing; rather, we obey the tenets of the conditions by what we do (or don't do.) We must remain honest with each other. We will strongly protect the other as best we can. We must communicate with one another clearly and meaningfully without using words that can be hurtful. We must respect each other and show that respect by our behavior.

These are the conditions of our relationship, and we are proud of it.

And notice in all that I said above, I have not yet said anything about sex. Another important "condition" of our relationship is that we remain faithful in a sexual way to the other.

There are some who believe that it is okay "just to have sex" as a casual fling, but since "it's just sex" then it cannot (or should not) cause problems in a couple's relationship. To my partner and me, though, sex is a part of our intimate relationship that we hold dearly and sacred. That's why neither one of us would consider having "just sex" with someone else. It is not "just" anything -- in our opinion, sex with someone else would destroy the most intimate relationship that we have and break our bond of trust.

I realize that many gay couples struggle with maintaining monogamy. Some have said to me, "hey, we're not married; we have no Contract in the eyes of God." That may be true, but in our opinion, we have a contract to remain true, faithful, and honest with each other.

I have to say, that is one reason why we have been together for over 18 years, and plan on being a couple in love (as well as "in like") with each other until we die.

Life is short: maintain trust through personal integrity.

Communication is the Key

I was reading a blog post by a police officer who described whether it was good or not good to talk about the job with one's spouse, girl/boyfriend, or in my case, partner.

There is one school of thought that you should keep your job at your job and not talk about it at home. The officer's line of thinking was the opposite, and is consistent with my own. That it, he said, and I feel the same way, that "holding back what happens to you at work will eat your soul and will be the demise of the greatest reward of your personal life -- your marriage" (or in my case, all I'm allowed to call it is "my relationship" because I am prohibited from marrying the man I love. But that's another story for another time....)

Further, he said, "Too many first responders equate their whole identity in being whatever it is they are professionally. All too often, we are guilty of paying more attention to our lives at work than the one at home." He concluded that paragraph by saying, "It's like cheating on your family." That statement caused me to ponder, and agree very much with his profound insight.

While I am not a first responder, I can directly relate to what he said. I had a soaring career for almost 20 years with a respected national organization. I realize now in hindsight how "married to the job" I was. I lived and breathed that job every moment of every day. One may call that behavior "dedicated." I learned later that being so dedicated was taking me away both physically and spiritually from my best half -- my partner.

Bad things would happen on the job, and I would try to suck it up and say to myself, "I'm not going to burden him with that bullshit." But I would dwell on that crap in my mind, and it would affect my whole demeanor in how I related to my best half, my family, and my friends.

I kept rationalizing, "I have a life outside of work. I deal with work at work and can leave it there, and have a life with my partner, family, and friends outside of working hours." I was fooling myself. That was the biggest lie I ever told -- and worse, I told it to myself so much that I believed it for 20 years.

Things came to a head with a major conflict at that job in late 2004. I was so angry and frustrated with daily garbage that when I came home, I unloaded my emotions in unhealthy ways. If my partner didn't love me as much as he does, I'm sure he would have left me. But instead of fighting with me about my personal issues, he became the listener that he is and asked me questions in a gentle way to probe what exactly was going on. So I let it all out. What I had bottled up came flowing out in a torrent of yelling, screaming, and a lot of tears.

Sure, I made some mistakes and that led to this conflict at work. But my partner, being the loving, caring, man that he is, never once said that I did anything wrong. He defended me with absolute certainty that I was right and to hell with everyone else at the job who were making me so miserable. Within a week of finally opening up to him, I quit a job that was eating me alive.

My situation had gotten to the point of "my job or my life" and it was an "either-or." There was no compromise. No middle ground. My partner never threatened to leave me, but made it clear that my behavior was making me very difficult to live with. But more importantly, he pointed out what I was failing to see -- that my misery was affecting not only my mental health, but was making me that negative person that I never would want to be. He sort of held me to a mirror and said, "is this the man you want to be?"

He was so right. His intervention saved my soul, saved our relationship, and saved my sanity. Quitting a job that I thought I loved was the best thing in the world I ever could have done. And it would probably have happened sooner had I talked with him about it years earlier.

I am a fairly resilient man. I also know that my ability to bounce back to the man I want to be is absolutely dependent on communicating with the best reward of my personal life -- my partner.

I communicate a lot with many people, but there's nothing on the level of communication with your partner that is the same. Sure, my twin brother can read my mind and my senior pals are sensitive to share their wisdom. My siblings are close, listen well, and love me, "regardless." It's wonderful to be surrounded by people who "have my back." But there's nothing quite the same as your spousal-equivalent being there to listen, support, and ... as I always say,

... show those you love that you love them.

I definitely agree with Motorcop: "Communication is key." Keeping the dialogue going maintains a healthy relationship with your best half and maintains the integrity of your soul. Thanks, MC, for such a terrific and insightful blog post.

Day Out

My partner and I had a great time visiting the Maryland Renaissance Festival on Saturday.  We saw some interesting shows, a jousting competition, and strolled around the grounds.  There were a lot of vendors (mostly for food). A couple vendors carried leather products, but of the nature of which I was not interested.

A few people dressed in period costume, but most attendees were the typical family with kids in tow... wearing shorts and sneakers... and a few of those awful flip-flops and crocs. I saw only one other guy (who was not a performer) wearing boots.

What did I wear? A pair of brown leather jeans tucked into tall brown Wesco harness boots. I chose not to wear a leather shirt or vest, because it was very humid and rather warm. I am not one of those who "gets into Ren Faire" by dressing in some form of costume, but it was fun to see those who did.

All-in-all, it was a nice way to spend a warm (and finally sunny) late summer day.