My Hero Saves Lives

I am honored to know a man who is my hero, and call him not only my best friend, but my brother. My twin brother. My alter-ego in life, in heart, and in action.

Throughout our lives, both my brother and I have had a special place in our hearts to help those in need, who were picked on, bullied, and treated terribly because of some difference they had. We each acted in our own ways of trying to save and protect people who were unable to defend themselves, and today, my brother is doing it, saving lives, and bringing peace. Literally. I am so proud of him. (This photo is so characteristic of my brother -- leading through a dark tunnel into the broad sunlight of day.)

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Stunning Photo of My Brother

My twin brother, J, sent me this photo that his wife took of him on their recent extended second honeymoon throughout Europe during September. No, my brother is not about to walk into the Mediterranean from an island off the coast of Greece, but it looks like that.

Isn't the setting gorgeous? What a stunning photo! My sister-in-law has quite the eye for photography!

Life is short: celebrate joy and happiness with family!

My Brother Has Landed

My wonderful, tall, dark, handsome, energetic and enthusiastic twin brother and his lovely wife have "landed" (so-to-speak) in Italy. He retired from 32 years of service to the United States this past August. He and his wife took the month of September to roam Europe by train. They had a great time visiting 19 cities in eight countries. They ate well, and saw interesting events and sights. I think when my brother phoned me the other day, he was still in Bavaria, Germany, enjoying Oktoberfest.

Now they own a small villa in the outskirts of Rome, where my brother now has a job working in the private sector, doing what he does best -- negotiating and resolving conflicts and differences toward a calm outcome. His wife has relocated her work to their new homestead.  She does all of her work by computer, while my brother has an office in Rome, and another "office" aboard the train (so he says. He does a lot of traveling throughout Europe, and uses trains to get there.)

I am delighted for their good fortune, and hope perhaps I can visit in the Spring. That time of year is beautiful in Italy, but I have to be honest, what I want to see most is my brother's goofy grin. I love that guy.

He has worked very hard to earn the place in his life where he is now, and I celebrate his new life. While I miss him terribly, we communicate often. He is encouraging me to use Skype. So far, without much success because I am such a "slow adopter" of technology. Nonetheless, we exchange email 2 - 4 times every day, and speak by phone at least once each week.

How blessed I am to have such a close relationship with my first "bestest" friend in the world, and to share his joy and happiness!

Life is short: show those you love that you love them!

Moving On

Guest Blog by BHD's Twin Brother

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I have enjoyed visiting with my brother for the past three weeks, and having my wife here with us for the past two weeks. It began with my retirement, and a great send-off from my colleagues at work. That's all behind me now.

My brother was concerned about what I will do now that I'm retired. Well, no worries, I was selected for a great job back in Europe with a company that does consulting in my specialty field. The new job will involve a move to Rome, Italy. My wife and I will be happy to return to her country of birth, and be closer to her family. Plus, I just love Rome. It is a fun, exciting, energetic, and vibrant city. We have secured a flat in the city close to public transit, markets, and international businesses with whom I will be working. The new job doesn't start until October, so we will have plenty of time to pack up our belongings from our small apartment in Paris and move.

This week (actually, yesterday), my wife and I took the train to New York City. We will visit family who live there and see some shows and the sights this week. My brother needs to return his full attention to his work, and now that we are assured that his partner is well on the road to recovery, I think they will enjoy some peace and quiet. He assures me that we have been non-intrusive, but I sense that they both would appreciate a return to a sense of normalcy in their home.

We will return on Friday and stay for the weekend, the last weekend of our visit to the U.S. Then we return to Paris next Monday. But before we begin packing up and moving to Rome, we will take two weeks to visit my wife's family in Northern Italy and take a holiday (second honeymoon) in Venice, where we were married.

I have thoroughly enjoyed this visit. It has been relaxed, comfortable, and fun. We did not plan to do anything but visit with family, see friends and (former) neighbors, including some of our high school classmates who still live in the area. Sometimes, the best vacation is one that is unplanned.

I will miss having my brother's physical presence when we leave. I have enjoyed watching him orchestrate the functions of his household, community activities, and riding his beloved Harley. He shows by his actions how much he cares for those in his circle -- especially his partner and our family, as well as his "senior pals". Man, I wish I had half his energy. (He claims it's all about scheduling and balancing time, but he makes it seem so darn effortless! Especially as he naturally switches speaking in Italian to my wife and me, in English with his partner, and in Spanish with some of his community group leaders. He's good, really good, with the languages.)

As my brother always says, life is short. Enjoy it, love it, and care for those you love. He's an amazing man, who I love with all of my heart.

Be well, bro'. See my smile each day, and feel my heart surrounding you.

J

What I Did On My Summer Staycation

One might remember that the first writing assignment upon return to school was an essay describing, "what I did on my summer vacation." Back when I was in school, I could describe riding in a car with my family going cross-country, and over a six-year period, we stopped in every state in the contiguous United States. It was mandatory to stop in the state's capital, but we also would see whatever sights there were to see while in that state (for example, we spent three weeks in California alone.)

These days, I do not travel for vacation any more. My partner is unable to sit in an airplane for any length of time due to his disability (not the brain surgery, but his chronic hip condition which is inoperable). I can't stand being cooped up in a car for more than a few hours. I just go crazy. And regretfully, I have a chronic health condition that makes it difficult for me to ride my Harley more than a few hundred miles each day. Altogether, I have found that it's easier to stay home. (It's cheaper that way, too.)

I had the last week off from work -- my first time off since I started the new job. I began my "staycation" on Friday the 12th on a high note, by going on a motorcycle ride with some friends on a lovely day. We had a great time, and didn't get lost.

Frankly, I forgot what I did on the weekend... usual activities in caring for my senior pals, repairing or installing things for them in their homes, taking them grocery shopping, and spending time with my partner and my brother (and his wife) who are visiting.

I got busy on Monday the 15th with work in our yard, repairing a garden wall that had been damaged by the freeze-thaw cycle over some harsh winters. I got very tired of being stung by yellow jackets (bees/wasps) that had built a nest in the soil of that garden.

Tuesday was my birthday. It began brightly with a warm snuggle with my partner who had taken the day off. I was "kidnapped" by five senior pals and taken to breakfast. That was fun. Then my brother, his wife, and I went to visit a niece who had delivered twin boys three weeks earlier. It was great to meet our Great Nephews.

Late that afternoon, my partner bought a bushel of Maryland steamed crabs fresh from the Chesapeake Bay. We picked crabs for hours. This is my favorite meal, and is easy for my partner to "prepare." My brother and his wife enjoyed it, as well, though I think my sister-in-law grew tired of crab-picking after the first two. It does take patience -- and we kept telling her that it's really not the crabs, but the social experience of crab-picking that makes it so much fun.

Wednesday, I brought my partner to a world-class hospital where he had his non-cancerous brain tumor "resolved." He was released later that evening. I spent Thursday and Friday by his side as he recovered. He recovered very quickly and well.

Saturday was promising to be a gorgeous day, so I brought my brother to a Harley dealership up north of us to rent a Harley for a day. He rented one like the one that I have, and we rode together for about 150 miles, stopping for lunch and gas and stretch breaks. We didn't know where we were going, but we had a great time riding together. His wife, by the way, was picked up by one of our sisters to go do girly things (like shopping.) I had a senior pal who my partner likes very much stay the day with him, just in case he needed anything and to make me feel less guilty leaving him alone so soon after surgery while going to ride motorcycles with my brother.

Sunday, yesterday, was sort of a wash-out. We awoke to the sounds of a thunderstorm and heavy rain. I was dismayed, because my brother and I were supposed to return that rental motorcycle before 10am to avoid another day's rental fee. Fortunately, the rain stopped and the pavement dried, so my brother and I could return the rental Harley, and then I could take him back home. And yes, he rode as my passenger on my Harley -- two guys on a Harley. No.big.deal. (Though some nutcase at the Harley rental shop had to make a homophobic wisecrack. My brother said something to him and shut him up. I detest narrow-minded ding-dongs who think that they always have to say something... stupid.)

As soon as my brother and I got home, my sister-in-law had prepared lunch for all of us. I parked my Harley in the garage and then the storm warnings began to sound again on my alert systems at home, and soon enough, it was raining hard again.

After lunch, my brother and sister-in-law took my truck and left to visit more family, while my partner and I sat in our basement and watched a movie together.

Back to work today (Monday).

Kinda boring, rather bland, but this is what I did on my Staycation. No more time off again until Christmas. It's great that I love my job, though, because it makes work something that I look forward to doing (and using my Harley to get there.)

Life is short: keep busy, share joy, and show those you love that you love them.

Happy Birthday to My Best Friend!

Today is the birthday of my very best friend in the whole wide world: my twin brother. Yep, he turns another year older four minutes after I do! (LOL!)

He is wise, wonderful, athletically talented, smart, funny, and a warm & caring man. He is the best husband his wife could ever have; the best uncle and Great uncle the kiddos could ever have; and is the bestest twin that a brother could ever have!

I could pour out my heart with accolades, but I would probably suffer direct repercussions because he is staying with my partner and me this month. I fear a bonk on the noggin, or worse (giggle.)

Let me suffice to say that I am thrilled to have my twin as my best friend, my partner as my best half, and a family who loves us, cares for us, and helps us be the best men we can be. (Thanks, Mom and Dad! You led and taught us well!)

Happy birthday, bro'! I look forward to spending the day with you, and the crabfeast for dinner tonight!

Cowboy Boots with a Suit

I see fairly frequent internet searches that direct visitors to this blog and my website asking, "can you wear cowboy boots with a suit?" I have blogged about this before.

The answer is, of course you "can" -- as in, yes it is possible -- but the real question is, do you want to? So many men worry about what other people think about what they wear on their feet. Men who are mature, confident, and enjoy boots wear them with suits regularly. While I rarely wear a suit, cowboy boots are my choice of footwear when I have to dress up.

My twin brother was born in a suit. Well, almost. But he has always enjoyed dressing up and his profession required that he wear a suit almost every day. Thankfully (from my perspective), he got the suit genes and I got the jeans genes. I am much more comfortable in blue jeans than a suit. In my profession, I do not have to dress up, and appreciate that. I think I'd die if I had to wear a suit every day.

But I digress... I had the pleasure of attending a formal reception in honor of my brother as he was retiring. He knew that he could get me to wear a suit, but the footwear always would be boots -- I wore boots with a tux when I was Best Man for his wedding, and have worn boots at other formal occasions over the years, including receptions at the White House and various foreign embassies in Washington, D.C.

He and his wife are staying with me this month. Their home is in Europe, but they are here for him to go through the shenanigans of his retirement, and then spend significant time visiting family and friends in the area where we grew up (where I live.)

My brother bought me a pair of very nice black Lucchese Classic goatskin cowboy boots as a gift to thank me for hosting him, as well as for an early birthday present. He didn't have to do that, but the boots are very much appreciated. They are comfortable, very good-looking, solid boots. I wore them at his retirement reception, and met and spoke with very high-ranking officials who came to present my brother an award and to wish him well.

There were hundreds of people there, and all the men wore suits. I am happy to say that I was not the only man in boots -- there was another senior statesman in boots, too (that looked like my new boots -- classy black dress cowboy boots).

No one said anything about what I had on my feet. No one. Honestly, nobody cares. All the fashion advisers who have tantrums about men wearing boots with a suit or formal wear should review their narrow thinking, because good-looking boots can look good on a confident man in a suit.

'nuf said. Bro', thanks for the boots; they're great.

Larger and more photos of these boots are here (link).

Life is short: wear boots!

My Brother Is Now Officially Retired

My twin brother, J, has been in town since 30 July, and he is staying with my partner and me in our home. It is great having him around again. All week this past week, though, he has been involved in a lot of meetings leading up to his official retirement, which was yesterday.

My partner and I were invited to attend a reception in his honor at his place of work yesterday afternoon. We knew this was going to be very special, so one of our sisters arranged a surprise for him. You see, he told his wife that he would be busy all week and that she should not plan to travel from their home in France and arrive in DC until tomorrow (Sunday), since he wouldn't have time to spend with her during his last week of work. She bought a non-refundable air ticket that would bring her to DC on Sunday, 7 August.

Then we found out two weeks ago that his boss was going to have this reception, and a very, very special guest was going to attend it. Alas, my sister-in-law found that the cost to change her airline ticket would have been more than 500 Euro -- waaaayyy too much.

However, one of our sisters arranges travel for VIP travelers in the same place where my brother works. She made some inquiries and pulled some strings, and arranged for my sister-in-law to travel on Thursday. Keeping her early visit a surprise was hard to do -- but I kept my brother distracted on Thursday (so he wouldn't phone his wife) and our sister picked up his wife at the airport and had her stay in her home that night.

Back to the reception -- it was quite an affair. Several hundred people attended, which didn't surprise me but I think my brother was in shock. We were mixing and mingling, then his boss got everyone's attention. The boss said the usual pleasantries, then said, "and to present your award and official retirement certificate, we have some special guests. First, let's ask someone special to you to be with you as you receive it..."

...then my sister-in-law stepped out from behind a curtain. My brother rushed to her, hugged her tightly, and I could tell that he was asking, "how did you get here? When did you arrive? Who arranged this?" ... while I didn't hear exactly what he said, my "twin thing" was communicating 100% of his feelings through me. I tell 'ya, tears began to well up.

But the boss wasn't done. He continued, "now let's have our special guest make the official presentation...." and out walked one of the highest ranking officials in the entire U.S. Government. I can't say who it was or the title, because I don't want to attract media attention to this blog. But let me confirm, that person is impressive!

My brother went into shock. His jaw dropped to the floor (almost) and I could tell that he was shaking. Seriously nervous. The official was gracious, kind, and thoughtful. The official gave a very heartwarming speech and congratulated my brother on his 32 years of service to our country.

The room burst into applause. Then my brother was asked to speak. He stood before the group at the microphone and I could tell that he was struggling. He was still shaking. He looked at me, and I smiled warmly at him and gave him a hand signal which between us means, "go for it".

He composed himself, and said, "my brother should be giving this speech. He's the public speaker in the family and we never could shut him up." That crack lightened the mood and caused everyone to laugh. My brother thanked everyone very graciously. Then he called me, my partner, and my five siblings who were there to join his wife at the front of the room, and gave an impassioned thanks to us for our support.

It was then that both he and I broke into tears. But good tears.

Now my brother turns the page on a new chapter in his life. His wife, me, and our wonderful family will be by his side, always.

Life is short: show those you love that you love them.

P.S.: I was wearing a suit (yuck), silk tie (double-yuck), and a new pair of very dressy black Lucchese goatskin cowboy boots (yea!) that my brother bought for me for our birthday that is coming up. I'll feature photos on my website and this blog at a later date.

Brother-to-Brother

My twin brother arrived last night from Europe. It's great to have him home, and I look forward to spending a whole month with him as he works through his official retirement, having his wife join us in one week, and visiting family.

It is very hard to describe how a guy feels to have his soulmate since birth be back home, and having significant time to share together. Just having him around to speak with (in person) means the world to me. He's smart, funny, and graceful. He keeps me thinking, and always reminds me how fortunate we are to be so close, as only twins can be.

Granted, I'm a lucky guy because my partner is my soulmate, too. I love him with every ounce of my essence. Through thick and thin, we are on a journey that is special because we make it that way -- because we always do what's best for the other, because we love each other deeply.

My brother and my partner are two different men, but together they keep me grounded. They know "the real me" and love me anyway :-) I am glad that they truly like each other, and enjoy the other's company. They talk about things in which they share mutual interests (like sports and world finance) and I appreciate that they have their own special bond.

Some people have asked me, "what's it like to have a straight twin?" Or, conversely, "what's it like for him to have a gay twin?" You know, as adults, we don't identify the differences of sexual orientation. I don't fault him for being straight. I've long gotten over that. (touché!)

I will cherish the time we will share together through August. I will do everything I can to make my brother (and his wife) comfortable and happy during their visit. I am a very happy, content man -- because my brother is with me physically, as well as in heart.

By the way, some people have asked me what he is saying when he signs his blog comments "ore e sempre." That's simple. That's Italian for "now and always." Yes, like how we love each other: now and always.

Life is short: show those you love them, each and every day.

Visitors

Oh goodie, some visitors have been here and more are coming! Loyal readers of this blog know that my reclusive partner hates having company stay with us, but there are a few exceptions.

Earlier this week, a cousin who I love dearly stayed two nights with us. Among the dozens of my first cousins, she is closest to me in age, and also the one with whom I fought like a sibling the entire time we were growing up. She lives in Florida, but came to DC for a meeting. I was tickled to have her stay with me two nights. Being a nurse by profession, she helped my partner understand some issues related to his brain tumor, and helped him be more comfortable and understanding about his situation.

I loved having her here, even so briefly. And despite how far apart we are in geography, our conversation picked up right where we left off, like no time had elapsed since we last saw each other earlier this year for a family funeral. Of course, we have ongoing and regular dialogue via Facebook, where she often leaves witty and humorous comments for me. Love ya lots, F!

Last night, I had an unexpected house guest. A senior pal who lives alone came to stay overnight because her air conditioning stopped working. There's no way that she could tolerate the heat. She did not want to stay in a hotel due to the cost. I insisted that she come stay with us. It was nice to have her here, especially since my partner had left to drive to Pittsburgh to pick up his Mom. I don't like to rattle around in our house all alone. (Plus, it was too damn hot to do anything, anyway!)

This afternoon (Saturday), my M-I-L (mother-in-law) arrives for her usual summer week-long haunting visit. I will do my best to make her feel welcome. I anticipate that, as usual, she will eat us out of house-and-home, but that's okay. I'm glad she likes my cooking. Unlike the last few summers, I will be working full-time at my (new) office on weekdays, so I will only see her when I get home from work and in the evenings. That's fine; my partner is taking vacation time to dote on her. Bless him; he is very dedicated to his Mom and I love him for how well he takes care of her every need.

One week from today, my twin brother will arrive. He has some meetings in DC, and will be officially retiring from 32 years of service to our country. His wife will arrive the week after that, and I expect they will stay with us for most of August. What a real treat to have my "little" bro and his wife with us for so long. I am very much looking forward to their visit.

In mid-August, my partner will have surgery to have that pesky non-cancerous tumor removed. We will be blessed to have family right here with us to assist with the care my partner will require as he recovers. I have not earned much vacation time yet in my new job, but I plan to take one week off from the date of my partner's surgery and for a week after that. But I am confident that he will be in good hands when I return to work, because my brother, soulmate, bestest friend, will be right here. (And my partner adores him as much as I do.)

No time for more blogging... gotta go clean house...

Life is short: show those you love that you love them!

My Brother's Retirement

My twin brother, J, who has posted guest posts on this blog and comments frequently, called the other day and freaked me out. He said that he will retire in August.

Retire? Already? Heck, he's not even 54 years old! If he retires at such a young age, how old does he make me feel? More than four minutes older, that's for sure (LOL!)

Unfortunately, his rotation of duty in France is coming to a close, and his employer offered him a very undesirable posting for the next three years. He tried to negotiate something different, but they weren't budging, so he decided to file for retirement after 32 years of faithful service.

He will come home (that is, where I live and where we grew up) for a visit and some meetings in August, and stay with us. By then, perhaps he will have decided what he will do, and where he and his wife will reside. My "twin thing" tells me that he will stay in Europe, because he speaks every major European language fluently, and his wife is Italian, with lots of family there. She works, as well, but her job is easily transportable (that is, she can work anywhere). My brother is so skilled and well-connected, I anticipate he will find something to do that pays a salary, rather than take up painting on the Champs-Élysées or hawk plastic swords at the Roman Coliseum (LOL!)

Gosh, bro, you really know how to make me feel OLD! And I'm nowhere near retirement. I've got too much to do!

Life is short: celebrate vicariously!

Thanks, Bro

Guest blog by BHD's twin brother, J

Thanks, bro, for letting me stay at your home while I had to attend meetings in Washington, DC, this past week. As usual, your hospitality was very much appreciated -- though we really didn't see much of each other!

I would arrive home about 8pm and you and your partner went to bed at 8:30 or 9 at the latest. Fortunately, I could spend time with you in the morning before I left for my meetings. Thanks for cooking breakfast for me each morning.

Despite as busy as we both are, I appreciated what time I did have with you. You're still "doing your thing" -- caring for your senior friends, your partner, and dealing with those community affairs while working more than full time. I don't know how you do it all.

I enjoyed seeing the family for the usual Friday night family dinner. It was great. Man, our little ones are growing up so fast! I am very happy that most made a special effort to come since I was visiting. It's not often I get to see 70 members of our family in one place for a happy reason.

Well, that's it for this post. Keeping it short, as I have plane to catch which will bring me back home to Paris by the time this post appears on your blog.

Thanks again -- see you in August when I have month to spend with you!

Ore e sempre,

J

Pause to Remember

This is a brief pause to remember what happened on April 28 during the year I was 12 years old. That morning one of my older sisters came into my bedroom early in the morning to tell me that my father died.

It was a Tuesday. I had last seen my father the previous Sunday in the hospital. He was gravely ill, and I think he sensed that would be the last time he would see any of his children. He struggled to remain conscious and alert. I remember that he held our hands, one by one, and told us that he loved us, he loved our Mom, and that he wanted us to be good -- good people, good citizens, and good to each other.

That Tuesday morning was hazy. I remember calling my closest friend and gave him the news. My friend went to school and told everyone else. I think one of my older siblings called the school to give them the official news and to explain why none of us would be going to school the rest of the week.

My sister took me to her house. I remember that a lot of people were there. Family, family friends, neighbors, and so forth. I dunno, it all was a daze. I knew that my father was dying, but when the death actually happened, I went into shock.

I don't remember quite when I saw my mother next. Perhaps it was even the next day. She also was in shock. But she was a strong, strong woman. She held us close, and looked after our needs. I remember that she even took me to a store to get a suit to wear to the funeral. She even let me buy a new pair of boots to wear with it, while my twin brother who already had several suits got a new pair of dress shoes. Always looking after us kids -- not herself. I don't know how she did it.

I was discussing these memories with my twin brother who is visiting this week. His memories are about the same as mine. He said that he remembered sitting next to me for almost the whole week. We were inseparable. We both remember that our siblings -- all 13 others of them -- each spent time with both of us, hugging, thinking, talking about our respective memories and stories about our father. We had a lot of sibling bonding going on that week, and no sibling squabbles. I think my Dad would have been proud to know that his last wishes -- that we all take care of each other and show our love and respect for one another -- continued in the immediate period following his death, and to this very day. His legacy holds us close.

Our huge family surrounded us. My father was the first of his siblings to die. All 21 of his brothers and sisters and their families -- aunts, uncles, cousins -- came to pay their respects and did things (or tried to do things) to show that they cared. One particular cousin, closest to me in age and with whom I had fought like she were a sibling -- was particularly close and good to me. I think my father's death was a turning point in our relationship. We have been and remain fast friends and very very close.

The funeral was also a haze. The long black limos, the police escort from the church to the cemetery, the pictures in the paper and front-page news story -- I have copies of those papers that we looked at last night, and I didn't remember that well at the time. My Dad was a very well-loved man by many people, and highly regarded for his diplomatic work in Europe during its post WWII reconstruction.

I think what I remember most outside of the funeral and such was what my Uncle Joe did. Instead of sit around looking forlorn, he took several of us kids out for ice cream, then to a park to play (or swing, or whatever), and just spent time with us. Getting us out and away from the heavy feeling at home was the best thing he could do for us. He just knew intuitively what to do. No one asked him -- he just did it. I sure miss him. He always took such good care of us kids, especially after my father died.

Later today when my brother returns from his meetings in the city, we both will head over to the cemetery where our parents were buried to leave some flowers (from my yard) and to reflect on a man we would have liked to have known longer than we did, but who we loved, admired, and cherished. This cemetery is just a mile from my home; I go there fairly often to reflect and to remember. My twin brother is lucky: he gets to work in the very same office that our father once did in Paris. He has photos of my Dad and various heads-of-state throughout his office. That's gotta be impressive (and he says "daunting" to live up to that legacy.) (My opinion: if anyone can do it, my twin can. He's the impressive one!)

Anyway, thanks for reading this brief pause and flow-of-memory. It's never easy when one's father dies, especially at such a young age. With the support of loving family and friends, we got through it, together. That's what Dad wanted.

Life is short: show those you love that you love them.

Hey, Bro!

My twin brother is here!  What a surprise!

He was scheduled to visit and attend a meeting in Washington, DC, in mid-April. The date of his meeting changed indefinitely, so I did not think that I would see him until perhaps this summer. He even posted a reply on this blog yesterday (to throw me off the track).

Meanwhile, his meeting got rescheduled -- to begin today -- and that big lug didn't tell me! He just showed up and surprised me yesterday morning!

Yesterday, I was working at home and heard a truck on the ordinarily very quiet street. I peeked out, and saw a DHL truck. That is a freight carrier ordinarily used in Europe. My brother told me in his blog comment to expect something from DHL.

I was in the middle of something, so I finished my thought, saved it, and as I ws getting up to go to the door, the doorbell rang. I thought that it was the DHL driver asking me to sign for a delivery. I opened the door -- and there was my twin brother handing me a box. Apparently he arrived about the same time that DHL did, so my brother delivered it personally. What a character, that guy!

Technically, I had the day off work on Monday, but was working anyway to catch up on a backlog due to all that travel last week. However, once my brother arrived, I said, "that's enough for the day," and turned the computer off. We caught up, laughed, had lunch (at home) and while waiting for my partner to arrive from his visit to his mother's home in Pittsburgh, I prepared a home-made lemon meringue pie (my partner's favorite).

My partner showed up about 2pm. We helped him unpack and settle in. Meanwhile, I baked some potatoes, grilled some fillets, made a salad, and enjoyed dinner with two men who mean the world to me: my beloved partner and my twin brother, my two best friends in the whole world. What a great day!

My brother will use our home as "home base" and commute to his meetings in DC this week. I will enjoy having him around. My partner likes him a lot too, so this is great for all of us.

Life is short: cherish family!

Chill!

Guest blog post by BHD's twin brother, J

Okay, bro, I'm joining in, too, and then we will let you take your blog back tomorrow. (giggle.)

You say "life is short" then give a little quip about what the particular posts means. To me, life is short and you show us how to live. How to really live. Your exuberance is exhausting, man! I don't know how anyone can do all the things that you do and still get 8 hours of sleep each night, take care of your partner, your senior friends, your home, and still appear at a public hearing now and again... board meetings, community events, and so forth and so on.

Embracing life is a wonder, and I wonder each day about it. I wake each morning and ask, "what would my brother do?" ... then add three more things on my "to-do" list! (Smile.) Seriously, you have taught me how to make priorities to engage in things that I might not have done otherwise -- outside of work, of course!

Meanwhile, I have one strong recommendation for you: Chill! Go sit out in your backyard park with your partner, lie on the hammock, and just chill.

You were telling me the other day that you have picked up two more seniors in your cadre to care for. It's not the same as taking care of our beloved aunt, and I know you are trying to fill the hole left after her death. But you need to take care of you. Go ride your Harley, take a walk with your partner, read a book. But not all at once as you are wont to do! Chill!

Meanwhile, I'll embrace your joy and how you love to live, and share it with us.

Loving you from afar, ore e sempre. J.

Gay Dude in a Huge Family

I have written some blog posts from time to time about being gay, being the only gay sibling in a large family, and about my family in general. I received a few email messages this week inquiring what it is like to be in this type of family, and one asked, "what's like to be a gay dude in a huge family?"

While I have talked about that before, I will approach this question again from a renewed perspective, and try not to repeat myself (too much.)

First of all, I did not know that families were any different from mine. Think about it -- when you are born, all you know is your own family and how it functions is just how things are. You do not realize that families are different until you get a bit older and spend significant time at a friend's home, or have to change living arrangements due to death, divorce, abuse, or other factors.

I was born #14 among 15 siblings. My twin brother being four minutes younger (I'll never let him forget! LOL!), that means that J and I were last. That also means, then, that 13 other rug rats were tearing up the place long before we popped out of Mom's womb. So how things "worked" and "who did what to whom and when" as well as all the usual routines of our home had long been established before J and I were born.

My father also comes from a very large family. He had 21 siblings (yeah, 22 kids in one family from the same two parents, believe it or not!) My Dad loved large families, and my Mom was fertile... so... ta-dah! Here we all are.

My life as I was growing up was, as far as I knew, quite normal. It was only later in life that I realized that my family life was not comparable to the family life that my friends had.

Each of us kids were treated as unique individuals. We had our own bedrooms, clothing, and preferences for things to eat and friends to play with. We never were forced to wear "hand-me-downs" or share bedrooms or birthdays, for that matter. Our parents wanted us to be individuals, and we were treated that way. I understand, upon reflection, that this was quite unusual as well.

I have written before on this blog that I didn't know that I was gay until much later in life -- when I reached my mid-20s. I'm not like one of those kids you see on popular TV shows who is out to everyone at a much younger age.

When I lived at home with my family, I didn't experiment sexually with anyone. To my knowledge, neither did my twin brother. The "house rules" said that we couldn't bring anyone home to "sleep with." While J and I tested the house rules on other matters, we never did on that one.

J would date various girls in high school, and I went on dates, too. I knew, even back then, that J's dates were much more "involved" while mine were strictly platonic. That is, J would "make out" with his girl-of-the-night while I would be more of a friendly kinda guy, but never put myself in a situation where "making out" was expected. I didn't date girls who expected that, either (or so I thought.)

What I'm saying is that even back in high school, I behaved in ways to avoid sexual interactions -- even the most simple (i.e., "first base") with females -- because something inside me kept telling me that I really wasn't interested. Further, I knew I liked guys better, but didn't know why. I would find myself hanging out with other guys just to watch them, see their Frye boots, and admire. Not act on anything... just watch. Now that I am older, I realize what I was doing -- gay voyeuring. At the time, I had no clue in my conscious mind that I was interested in guys as something else other than just as friends.

Further, my twin was tall, dark, and handsome, and developed early. I was short, klutzy, and funny-lookin', and developed late. I think the fact that our physical development was significantly different, it had something to do with why J became quite a "ladies man" and I was the "left-out kid," but I am under orders from my twin brother not to discuss these differences further, as he thinks I am putting myself down while I truly felt out-of-place and dorky.

When I realized that I was gay, the first person that I "came out" to was my twin brother. His reaction: "dude, I've known that for years. Tell me something new." I wasn't expecting that reaction. I then began to tell my siblings, and my Mom (by then, my Dad had died).

Each of my siblings took the news differently. The older sibs who were married and who are practicing Catholics had the most difficulty with the news. Some of my other siblings said, "no big deal" while others said, "are you sure?" or "how do you know?" or "did (female name) just dump you and now you want to give up on women?"

I think my Mom took it the hardest. She had figured out that I wasn't quite the same in how I related to women ... and dating ... and sex. But she really only began to understand and accept that I was gay when I brought the man who I call my partner home to meet her for the first time. She knew... she could tell... I was in love!

Various family members adjusted to knowing that their brother was gay over time. Some did right away, like J did, and some took years. My Mom researched and studied, talked to others, and listened. Fortunately, she didn't have some crackpot church trying to tell her that I was living in a "deadly lifestyle" and stuff like that.

I was also happy that my Mom accepted my partner after a few years, because she realized that he was going to take care of me for the rest of my life, and love me unconditionally. Isn't that what parents want for a spouse for their children -- someone to take care of their child? My Mom and my partner grew to love each other, and I am so happy that happened, because my Mom died just five years after I met my partner, so the time to develop that relationship was limited.

I think what made things work out and facilitate healthy adult relationships with my siblings is that fundamentally, all of my siblings and I loved and respected each other from Day 1. Our parents demanded that we behave as a family and support one another -- and we did. Sure, mostly due to age differences, we look at things differently. Some of my siblings are more conservative, often due to influences of their respective spouses. I get it.

I have been "fully out" to my family for about 30 years. It took some of them several years to "get over it" but now they don't think a thing about my sexual orientation. I laugh and enjoy their kids, and now their grandkids, like any uncle would. I see them frequently, and they come to see me. We have dinner together (most of us, at least, who still live in Maryland) once each week. When I go on a business trip that may bring me close to any of them, I definitely take time to see them. And vice-versa.

After all, as they say: blood is thicker than water. I am truly blessed that my family functions well, loves each other, and sticks together through thick and thin and for all the right reasons -- regardless that one of their brothers is gay and lives in a same-sex relationship.

I know that I am fortunate, as several people have told me that their families have not been as supportive, accepting, or tolerant. I credit my parents for those characteristics which they taught to us from Day 1.

...and some day, I'll tell you about my first cousins--all 169 of them. Yes, I know who all of them are. But as I said, that's a different story for a different time.

Life is short: understand your family, and embrace them!

A Brother's Observations

Note from BHD's twin brother (I go by "J"): I have hijacked my brother's blog again, so while he said that "my regular postings" will resume tomorrow, I have changed that.

Brother:

When you called me from the hospital just a few moments after Aunt Lee died, you sounded stoic, but just about to lose it.  I listened to you say, "don't fly back; it'll cost too much; Lee's sons will be here; my partner is here with me; our other siblings who live around here will be here; I'll be alright."

Bull, brother.  I know you.  I could feel your heart breaking all the way in Paris, where I work and live.

I got on the very next flight that I could, and with weather delays and whatnot, I didn't get to your house until midnight on Friday night.

Why were you shocked to see me? I am your brother, your TWIN brother. I love you. You lost someone who you cared for so very deeply, the least I could do was be by your side.

After you regained your composure from finding me at your door, and gave your partner some resuscitation (he was as surprised as you were), we rested. Then I watched you through the weekend, and here is what I observed:

* Your partner loves you so much. He was so tender, thoughtful, and caring in all matters and in all ways in what he does for you.  He has the best ability to listen and to act, without even speaking a word. He can read you better than I can. He effortlessly guided you as you made arrangements for Lee's party, knowing how forgetful you get sometimes. He was right there, reading your mind, and executing your thoughts. Gosh, I wish my wife and I achieve that deep level of understanding each other.

* You continue to say, "I'm alright, I'm alright," but you are not alright.  You are grieving.  Understandably so.  You say, "she died quickly, without pain or suffering, and she was able to stay in her own home for so long with such a great quality of life."  Yes, that's true, but you watched her die.  That hurt.  It had to hurt. But what I observed about how you were able to talk about her last moments is seeing your faith. You have deep faith that you called to strengthen you while you told Lee's sons that their mother's death was dignified and peaceful. You can attest to that, as you witnessed it. Your faith is deep, personal, and abiding. I respect it very much.

* You are strong and you held others up, but this is a big deal for you, so you need to let us help you and surround you with the love and support you need.  Our helping you helps us.

* Your senior citizen friends love you.  Their appearance at that thank-you party to hug you and to sing for us was absolutely amazing.  But you expected that. What you didn't expect was one of your friends showing up this morning on a ruse that she needed your help getting heavy groceries. Without batting an eye, you ran off to help -- then found a whole troupe of singers right at the store, assembled to sing "Amazing Grace" to you.  Oh gosh how you cried (I knew this was going to happen, bro'), but how much you loved it.  They love you and demonstrated that by their public display of affection. (So don't go bad-mouthing PDAs any more LOL!)

* You are seeking a way to fill a big hole in your life.  Take time: listen, look, and feel.  You will find your calling again.  It will not be the same.  It will not be as deep.  But it will fit the character of the brother I love.

Thank you for all you have done, and who you are -- as a man, as a brother, as a nephew, and as a caregiver. I am so very happy you brought me over to see Aunt Lee when I came home for Christmas. We had such a great visit, thanks to you. You truly have no idea just how much we love you, and are here to support you. You will have your tough days dealing with this... remember, I'm right here, in your heart.

I am sorry that I have to leave in the morning.  Know that when I say that "I am there for you," I always am.  Always.  Hell, I am your TWIN brother, and I cherish the man who is the best half of that egg that split.

Luv 'ya, big guy.  Hang tough, but grieve for our beloved Aunt Lee.  She was quite a woman, and you are quite a man.

PS: I hope you don't revoke my keys to your kingdom (that is, the access to this blog), since I wrote it after you went to bed on Sunday night so you will find it in the morning, then rearranged your other pre-written posts to appear a day later each.

Brother's Day Off

Guest Blog by J, BHD's Twin Brother

In what is becoming a tradition, I am writing a post for my brother's blog to appear today.  It's the least I can do, as he has taken such good care of me and my wife during this visit.

We were supposed to arrive at 11:30pm on Thursday night, but it was snowing like crazy in Paris (France) and our flight was significantly delayed in departure.  At first I did not think that our flight would depart at all, but it did... six hours later.  We arrived on Friday morning at 6:00am.

As usual, my brother was there to greet us, with a bright smile on his face.  He must have been exhausted.  He drove us to his home, and his partner welcomed us warmly while my brother helped unload our belongings.

We slept most of Friday as we did not sleep much on the plane.  But Friday evening, our family gathered at a sister's house for a family tradition:  Friday night family dinner.  We had the "Feast of the Seven Fishes" which is a Southern Italian meal eaten on Christmas Eve.  It was a great!  Our sister outdid herself -- preparing this complex feast for 68 people!

After the meal, as a family we attended midnight mass.  Well, actually the service was at 11:00pm.  My brother waved to a lot of people -- but this is his home and where he has lived his whole life.  I was thrilled to see 3 of our high school classmates, with their families, as well.

We did not arrive home until very late... and slept well into Christmas morning.  When we awoke, once again we smelled the intoxicating scents of a huge brunch.  My brother told me that he had already been up for hours, and had fed his mother-in-law, who has quite an appetite.

We went to visit some of the younger members of our family on Christmas Day.  They had long ago torn open their presents, so by the time I arrived, they wanted to show "Uncle J" what they got.  We had a great time.

My brother left early to return to his home to prepare our Christmas dinner.  When my wife and I arrived (another brother dropped us off), it was almost ready.  My brother introduced us to three ladies he refers to as his "senior pals" who joined us for dinner also.

I was asked to say grace, and stumbled through it until I got to the part about what Christmas really means -- the spirit of peace, love, and joy that fills our hearts, and radiates from my brother and his very being.  I swear, that guy makes hard work seem effortless (that is, our entire meal was home-made, not pre-prepared) and he makes us feel so ... well, happy!

After dinner, my brother drove his senior pals back to the retirement community where they live.  He invited me and my wife to come along. It was a tight fit in his truck, but they live only five minutes away.  I had the pleasure of escorting one of these women to her door.  As we arrived, she turned to me and I saw a tear in her eye.  She smiled, and told me that it was a "happy tear" because she did not think she would be able to enjoy herself.

She confided that her husband had died in March, and she missed him terribly.  But my brother and his heart -- he kept looking after her, calling, taking her out, connecting her with friends, and keeping in touch.  She admitted that she was dreading Christmas, but when my brother told her a few weeks ago, "you're coming to our place for dinner on Christmas and that's that!" -- she could not refuse.

This is an example of what I mean when I say that my brother is a saint.  He hates being referred to that way.  He just is.  He says, "come on, you would do the same."  If I were in his boots, I probably would.  But I would also likely be oblivious to the loneliness.  My brother has a special radar that identifies where he's needed most, and does things to help.  People can tell what kind of a man he is by observing him and feeling his warm spirit.

I thought after we dropped her off, we would go back home.  But we had one more stop to make -- to our 95-year-old aunt's home around the corner.  We got there about 8:30, and I thought that was awfully late.  But my brother told me that since our aunt has Alzheimer's Disease, she has no sense of day or time.  She was awake.

She glowed when she saw my brother.  He is so gentle to her, but persistent.  He got her up, had her walk, and asked her questions that engaged her in conversation.  Shortly after we began talking, she admitted, "I have forgotten who that man is" -- pointing to me.  My brother patiently re-introduced us, and then started speaking to her in Italian. She responded, fluently.  Then he spoke to her in Spanish, and she laughed and told us a joke in Spanish.  Then he turned to my wife and asked her to speak to our aunt in French.  My wife said a few words, then my aunt lit up and spoke in fluent French.

You see, with Alzheimer's, you lose short-term memory, but you do not lose your intelligence.  My brother knows that, and respectfully engages our aunt in ways to exercise her mind and keep her going.  I am beyond amazed and impressed.  This is another reason why I call my brother a saint.  He just knows.

Okay, "basta con gushing" as my brother would say.  "I'm not all that" ... as he would say again.

Yes he is (yes you are, bro') and I love you more and more each day.  You are a treasure to hold close in my heart, as my brother.

By the way -- my brother always mentions these things on his blog -- I wore leather trousers all day on Christmas and so did my brother.  He wore a red flannel shirt and I wore a green dress shirt.  We both did not wear ties.  I borrowed a pair of his boots -- and our family noticed what we were wearing and gently teased us all day.

I love his spirit -- with what he wears, but most -- with who he is and what he does.

Love you, brother.  Ora e sempre.

Is My Twinship Unusual?

I received an email the other day from someone who has been reading this blog, and has noticed a number of "guest blog" posts from my twin brother.  Throughout those posts, and in some of his comments on some of my regular, ongoing posts, it's clear that my twin brother and I are very close.

The person who wrote to me asked what it was like to have a twin brother, as he did not have one.  He also asked, "are all twins so close -- as close as you and your brother?  And is your twin gay?"

The first part is hard for me to answer.  My brother and I had a normal childhood with typical sibling battles and squabbles.  But throughout it all, we still were best friends.  I don't know if our relationship as twins is typical, but I've heard from other twins who feel as close.

The second part is not hard to answer: my twin is straight, happily married to a woman, and is secure in his own manhood.  He figured out that I was gay before I did, but loved me just the same.  That's what is so special about our relationship.  He loves me for who I am, and I love him for who he is, as different as we are.

There are two other sets of twins in my family, and I observe that they are as close with each other as my twin and I are.  It is how we were raised.  But also, we had a "twin compact."  That is, if you picked on one of us, you picked on us both.  We defended each other fiercely.

I also have to say that since my twin brother and I are fraternal twins, he got the good looks, physical height, athletic ability, and grace -- while I got lesser of each of the genes that control those features.  As such, I was mercilessly picked on by bullies in junior high and high school at times.  My twin would always, always, defend me.  Regardless if it made him late for a class or a date.  He was always by my side.  My brother through life.

I know other people have sibling relationships that are not as close.  I am blessed, I guess.  It's what Mom and Dad made happen by how they raised us.  They expected that their children would be close, and become good friends as adults.  Our parents' expectations were truly realized.

While I am especially close to my twin -- I know (without speaking with him) what he's thinking and what language he is speaking and how he is feeling -- I am also close to my other brothers and sisters.  I love 'em all, and I know they love me.  Gay or straight, sports-ignorant or athletic, klutzy or graceful, leather-clad or in a business suit -- they love us for the men we are.

In summary: is my twinship unusual?  I don't think so.  But I know that I have a very special man as my very own twin brother, and wouldn't trade him for the world.

Life is short:  love your brother.

A Brother's Wish

Guest blog by J, BHD's Twin Brother

My wife and I had an argument recently -- where to spend Christmas.  We live in a little flat in Paris, France, where we work.  Last year, we went to visit my brother, BHD, and see the family.  I wanted to go back this year.  My wife wanted to go to St. Tropez on the French Riviera, instead, and spend some time with two of her siblings who were also going to be there for Christmas.

Sure, it would be nice to take a holiday on the Riviera, but it's cold this time of year and it is extremely expensive.  I very much want to come home to see my family and have an old-fashioned family Christmas.

What to do?  I called my brother, and he listened, but didn't try to tell me what to do.  Sometimes I just need someone to listen, and my brother does that very well for me.

Our flat was very quiet for several hours.  The tension was high, and my wife and I both were feeling uncomfortable for having disagreed.  After a few hours, I gently knocked on the bedroom door to apologize.

No sooner had I said, "I'm sorry" than she showed me a printout confirming that she bought two airline tickets for us to come to Washington on 23 December.  She told me how much she enjoyed our family, and the casual, friendly, and fun atmosphere. She said how welcome she felt in my brother's home, and enjoyed spending time with my sisters.  I think as she reflected back on our visit last year, she thought more about it and how much she would like to return -- as much as me!

WE ARE COMING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS!  Whoopie!  Can't wait!  (Bro, don't worry, I'll bring my leather pants -- you can provide the boots!)