Not Being One of the Kool Kids

Most everyone wants to be accepted among "the in group" -- "the cool crowd" -- those who are admired and lead the pack. In straight male culture, the "kool kids" are the Alpha Males. In gay culture, these are the "A-Gays." If you get an alpha male or a-gay to like you and accept you among his friends, invite you to his events -- anything from "lunch with the gang" or a "pick up motorcycle ride among us friends" or a "night out on the town" -- then "you've made it."

Or have you?

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Is Christmas Hard for Gay People?

I found this search that landed a visitor to this blog on Christmas day: "Christmas hard for gay people."

This search provoked a random stream of thoughts, which I will share.

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Do Insecure Guys Turn Gay?

I thought I had seen everything, but perhaps not. Another question entered into a search engine, "do insecure guys turn gay?" landed on this blog for my post titled, Why Are Gay Men Insecure? (which was a deliberately misleading title.)

Oh cripes... short answer: NO! Insecure guys cannot "turn gay!" Longer answer...

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Conversation Topics for Gay and Straight Guys

Somehow a search for "conversation topics for gay and straight guys" directed a visitor to this blog.

In case you are a new reader of this blog, or just stumbled upon it, I am a middle-aged gay man in a monogamous relationship with another man, and have been so settled for over 18 years. I consider myself to be a regular masculine man, with various likes and dislikes -- like anyone else.

The topic is interesting to me on several levels.

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Cities with the Most Masculine Gay Men

This was an interesting search that landed a visitor from South Carolina on this blog, "Cities with the most masculine gay men."

I do not know if any city in the United States, or the world for that matter, has more masculine gay men in it than any other. Honestly, I do not think masculine gay men use sexual orientation and masculine behavior preference to choose the location where they will live.

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What Masculine Gay Men Find Attractive

A search appeared on my blog reading (sic): what masculine gay men find attractive?"

I found that very interesting, and a different take on the usual search for where to find masculine gay men.

So, as a masculine gay man, let me describe what I find attractive in a masculine gay man:

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Can A Masculine Man Be Gay?

Yep, it continues -- the ongoing queries entered into search engines about masculine men and sexual orientation. Here is one of the latest searches:

This is yet a different twist on the age-old question that directs many visitors to this blog. "Can a masculine man "still" be gay?"

Simple answer is, "yes." Masculine traits vary for each man. Some men are hyper-masculine -- some have a very deep voice, lots of facial hair, are muscular, and walk with a kind of a swagger. There are other types of masculine men who do not display all of the most obvious (and perhaps "looked-for") masculine behaviors. What I am saying is, it is a range.

Gay men display various behaviors that range from a few on the hyper-masculine end of the scale to a few on the hyper-effeminate end of the scale, with the scale "tilted" if you will toward gay men being a bit more effeminate than masculine in their behavior. But most gay guys are in the middle, displaying both characteristics of a masculine man as well as some softer behaviors which some people might characterize as being effeminate.

Trouble is, many television shows that include gay characters have those characters display the most "queeny," effeminate behaviors. So the media causes many people to believe that all gay men are frilly-froo-froo effeminate queens.

That's not the case. Just as there are gay men who are effeminate, there are gay men who look, act, and behave like any other guy. However, you won't see him making out with a woman, enjoying himself at a (straight) strip club, or oogling women on the street. But you may indeed see him at a local sports bar cheering on the local team, or playing sports himself in a recreational league, or riding a motorcycle, sailing a boat, chasing children on a playground (e.g., being an uncle), or a zillion other things that guys do.

So the answer to this query again remains, "yes, a masculine man can be gay." The thing is, he's probably very good at hiding his sexual orientation.

For more on this topic, see some past posts on this blog.

Life is short: be who you are.

How Do Gay Guys Wear Their Boots?

You can verify it for yourself -- someone from Houston, Texas, used his Android to search, "how do gay guys wear their boots?

Really?

I guess his smart phone is smarter than he is, because it directed him to two entries on this blog. The searcher spent almost 20 minutes on this blog, looking at only two posts (here and here). Hmmmm...

But these were not the posts that address the question, in my opinion. This one or this one would have been better.

Anyway, back to the question: How do gay guys wear their boots?

...on their feet like anyone else.

Sheesh. There are two ways one can look at this question:

1. A guy who is gay and on the "bubble," that is, he's not ready to come out yet, so he is wondering if how he wears boots may give away his sexual orientation. That's bullshit -- all guys wear boots the same way. Boot-wearing has nothing to do with sexual orientation. Contrary to stereotypes, gay men who wear boots do not prance around on their tip-toes.

2. The question was entered by another homophobe who in some idiotic way thinks that gay guys wear boots differently from anyone else. I shall refrain from making remarks about the origin of the query or the intelligence (or lack thereof) of the person asking such a question if it were asked with this intent. If he thinks for a moment that gay guys wear boots differently from anyone else, he has been indoctrinated too long by the culture in which he has been exposed all his life. So sad.

Life is short: give benefit of the doubt, but do not suffer fools; if they are old enough to have an Android phone and pay for it's monthly ransom, they are old enough to be better educated.

Signs of a Mascuine Gay Man

I am a masculine gay man. Here are my "signs" --

Life is short: know your signs.

Is It Hard for a Gay Guy to be Straight?

This question, worded exactly as written, "Is it hard for a gay guy to be straight?" was entered into a search engine and landed on this blog.

I have written many posts over time about being gay, yet behaving in a masculine manner which some gay men call "acting straight."  I am not an actor. I behave the way I do because that's who I am.  I know there are some gay men who "butch up" on occasion -- to act "more straight" in certain situations.  I am not like those guys. I am who I am.

Meanwhile, back to the question -- my answer is, "yes, it's damn hard -- impossible -- for a gay guy to 'be' straight."   If you're gay, you're gay -- homosexual -- attracted to the same sex.  If you're straight, then you are heterosexual and attracted to the opposite sex. 

Contrary to what some Bible-thumping wackos affiliated with some fringe groups think or say, it is not possible for a guy who is truly homosexual to be or become straight.  Just doesn't work.  Won't happen.  Expose the gay guy to fringe-wacko therapy to try to convince him not to "be" gay, and likely the gay guy will be ripe for long-term therapy to recover from such exposure and to regain his sanity.  Seriously -- it's that bad, and that detrimental.

But perhaps that is not what the writer of the question was asking.  Perhaps he was asking, "is it hard for a gay guy to 'act' straight?"  In that case, it's different.  For some of us (gay men), it is not difficult to behave like straight guys do, because that is how we are and how we are wired.  But for the gay man who is effeminate, it will likely be harder for him to behave in a masculine manner.  I won't delve into stereotypes. Let me just say that I know some gay guys who could pull it off and some who could not.  We're all different. 

But let me reaffirm my understanding from science that if a guy is gay, he was born that way.  He did not "choose a lifestyle."  Heck, when did you "choose to be straight?"  It just doesn't work that way.  You're gay, you're gay.  You're straight, you're straight.  So be it.  How you behave is often what others use to judge whether you are (or are not) gay.  It's sad that people make these judgments, but they do.

My advice:  be who you are; be comfortable in your own skin; keep thinking that you are a valuable person and other people's opinions of your behavior are their problem, not yours.  I know that is hard to accept by some people, but let me affirm:  once you achieve this level of self-awareness, then a "whole new you" is revealed. For me, it was a man who was confident, self-assured, and calm. 

Final thought on the question -- is it hard for a gay guy to "be" straight?  Yes.  It is hard for a gay man to "be" comfortable with himself if he continues to live in the closet and hide his sexual identity from himself, his family, and his friends.  I know there are reasons why gay men do that, which have a lot to do with keeping a job in many cases and self-preservation in others.

But it is far more difficult for a gay guy to "be" something he is not. 

Life is short:  be who you are.

Is It Gay to Wear Boots Without Jeans?

Here we go again: someone searched, "is it gay to wear boots without jeans?"

Hmmm... this could be taken a number of ways. Possibilities:

1. Ignorant child who uses the term "gay" to mean "lame". Answer: no, it is not lame to wear boots with other types of clothing, such as breeches (ask a cop), khaki or other "dress casual" pants for work (ask an office worker in the summer), BDUs (ask anyone in the military), or leather (ask a biker.)

2. You are homophobic, and are afraid that someone else might call you "gay" because you may choose to wear boots with different types of pants (such as listed in #1). Answer: there isn't much I can do for your troubled soul other than to pray that you will grow up some day.

3. You might be considering wearing boots with no other clothing. Answer: please don't. I don't want to see you naked in boots any more than you want to see me that way.

Life is short: wear boots with pants (including jeans, khakis, suits, breeches, BDUs... you get the point. Anything but your bare butt and you'll be fine.)

Gay and Lonely?

Someone left a comment on my blog piece titled, "Is It Hard for Gay Men to Socialize with Straight Men?" where he said, "I know exactly what you mean and I personally have trouble making friends because I'm so uncomfortable or uninterested. It's a thin line I guess. I don't have any friends."

Oh man, that's sad. What I was trying to say in my blog piece is that it is hard, but not impossible, for a gay man to make friends -- good friends -- with straight guys. It takes three things: 1) a straight guy who is secure and open-minded enough to accept that his friend is gay; 2) the gay guy not having sexual interest in his straight friend; and 3) having something in common that they share.

I am a happy, confident, secure gay man. I am in a monogamous relationship with one man. I like other guys -- for who they are and what we share in common interests -- but not in a sexual manner.

I am fortunate that I live in the same area where I grew up. I have a number of friends who I have known since I was a child. I still see them regularly. I also have friends who I have met as an adult through various community activities. We help each other out -- I help them with home repairs, ride motorcycles together, engage local elected officials about community issues important to the residents where we live, and even helping to coach some of my friends in dealing with their parents developing dementia or Alzheimer's Disease. I've been through that with my lovely aunt and know how rough it can be to be a caregiver.

I never said that making new (straight) friends was easy, but as this website points out, a gay man who wants to make friends should get involved in activities where he shares common interests, and can use his talents for a cause or the greater good.

So what if you don't like sports and can't hit a ball or catch one? There are a lot of other things you can do! Get out, meet people, share your skills, and learn new things. You don't have to have only gay friends. Like the person who left the comment implied, he doesn't have any friends because he is uncomfortable and disinterested in things that other guys may be interested in.

There are many, many ways to overcome lonliness as a gay man. But you have to take the step of getting involved in the straight world. Face it, there are many more straight people around than gay people. I have felt that having "only" gay friends is unhealthy because you get stuck with a singular world-view. You need to expand your horizons and do things that you enjoy together with other people (gay or straight) who enjoy those things, too.

An interesting side-note: in the three-plus years that I have been blogging, I have been contacted by and have developed good on-line friendships with more straight guys than gay guys. These guys learn pretty quickly that we have common interests -- boots, leather, motorcycling, caregiving, community activism -- and also learn by my style of communicating that I am interested in them as a person, and that's it.

Life is short: you are only as lonely as you allow yourself to be.

A Day In My Life

I live a fairly ordinary life, but there are some people who wonder, "how do 'gays' live?" thinking somehow that our "lifestyle" affects how we live our lives. Well, that's true -- my partner and I enjoy a relaxed, easy, comfortable lifestyle in the home we built and in the town where I have lived my whole life.

But I digresss.... The Advocate magazine is sponsoring an event today titled, "Day in Gay America."

Today begins the first day of a week's "staycation" for me. Yeah, unlike many others, I do not travel somewhere else when I have time off. I love my home and the community where I live -- so I take some time to enjoy it!

The weather is promising to be absolutely stunning: bright sunshine with warm but not hot air temperature, with a low dew point (meaning the humidity usually abundant this time of year will be noticeably absent.) My personal meteorologists (colleagues with whom I work) all advised, "take the day off -- go ride your Harley and have fun!" (They all agreed that Sunday's weather, when I have another ride planned, will not be good--more likely rain. My colleagues really look after me. They interpret the weather models specifically for me and my planned activities. I truly enjoy working with them.)

So that's what I will do today ... go take a ride with my brother and several of my friends. I will take some pictures and submit the best one to The Advocate that demonstrates what, to me, is representative of my day in Gay America. A guy out enjoying a ride with a group of friends. You know, bikers can be gay, too (or is it, "gay men can be bikers, too?"). Either way you say it, I are one (giggle.) My brother and buddies are not gay, but who cares? We genuinely like one another regardless of sexual orientation, and I am not one of those gay men who must hang out only with other gay men.

That will not be all of my day. I'll begin by preparing a nice breakfast for my partner before he goes to work, doing some laundry, and other mundane but important chores. Then I'll go for my ride. After I get home, I will visit some senior pals and help with some maintenance needs that they have. I'll also get on the phone with several more senior pals who I check on every.single.day. Make sure they are safe.

Then in the early evening, my brother will take his wife in a car and I will ride my Harley to another brother's home where the family will gather for our weekly dinner gathering. Partner will stay home -- the family intimidates with noise and little monsters (smile)... but I love it, and love them. I'm not sure how many will be there... probably the usual 40 or so. Nice intimate gathering of a raucous group (LOL!).

I'll come home early, but anticipate that my brother and his wife will stay longer to visit. When I get home, I will snuggle closely with my partner in a media-free zone, hold his hand, and do what I advise on this blog often: show those you love that you love them.

We'll head to bed at the usual early hour, about 9:00. Snuggle close again, peacefully and happy.

Life is short: enjoy your day!

How Do I Make My Cowboy Boots Not Look Gay?

Yep, here it goes again:

Another Google search landed this question, "How do I make my cowboy boots not look gay?" on the cowboy boots and jeans page on my website.

I feel very sorry for the guy who actually asked this question. Well, anyway, I will give a serious answer to this silly question:

Regular cowboy boots are worn by many men, and the vast majority of those men are straight. They wouldn't wear boots if they thought the boots "looked gay" because the last thing a straight guy wants to have happen is to have anyone cast doubt on his "straightness" by what he is wearing on his feet.

Therefore, in my opinion, boots themselves do not "look" gay -- this question relates a seriously misplaced concern. The misplaced concern is about the person -- not the boots. The person is probably afraid that when he wears boots, he may display characteristics that sexual stereotyping cause people to believe someone is gay. I will not describe those characteristics, because as a gay man, I believe that my doing so could reaffirm that I believe those stereotypes are accurate and true, which they are not.

Back to the point: how do you make the wearer of cowboy boots not "look gay?"

1. Stand tall and have an outward appearance of a happy, relaxed, and confident man. SMILE! Nobody likes a sourpuss.

2. Look other people in the eye -- not downward or away.

3. Make sure your boots look good with what you are wearing -- polished smooth leather, clean exotic skins, or if you're going for that bad-boy rough-and-tumble biker-look, then wear appropriate "biker clothing" like denim or leather jeans -- not shorts.

4. Make sure your boots fit properly. Boots that are too large make a guy walk oddly, which can be presumed to be one of those stereotypical behaviors that I referred to above.

5. Have a confident and secure stride. That is, walk normally. Don't clunk your boot heels or tip-toe. If you are not accustomed to wearing boots, watch how you walk on stairs. It is very easy to trip up a set of stairs when wearing boots if you're not used to them.

Boots unto themselves are not gay (this is a link) but if someone has to ask this question, then perhaps he should consider getting professional counseling. Seriously, I worry about people who think like that -- it's a sure sign of something else behind the curtain. The guy is trying to blame an inanimate object as a method of hiding repressed feelings. Go talk to a professional.

Life is short: wear boots confidently.

Lifestyle of the Gay Guy

Another internet search for "lifestyle of the gay guy" landed a visitor on this blog -- to my earlier post titled, Gay "Lifestyle" vs. Sexual Orientation. That post laid it all out fairly well, and does not require repeating, so read it if you have not done so.

I just want to re-iterate that there is a huge difference between a "lifestyle" and being gay (homosexual, same-sex sexual orientation -- whatever you want to call it.)

As every man is different, every gay man is different. I live a lifestyle of steadiness. I work for a living in a professional position; I care for my partner, family, and friends in various ways; I lead and participate in civic groups and activities for the betterment of the community where I live; I ride a Harley for fun as well as transportation; I am financially frugal (some may even call me "cheap") and do not owe any debt; I wear boots and not shoes -- and never wear sandals; I wear leather because I like it (though not in summer heat).

My partner and I are probably like many other gay couples, but because gay men like us usually don't have blogs or websites, there isn't much information about regular gay guys like us. Usually, guys like us are fairly quiet, and live a respectable life like any other couple -- gay or straight.

There are other gay men whose actions and behaviors are more visible on the Internet, and thus give other people false impressions that all gay men live a lifestyle of debauchery. Impressions abound of gay guys flitting around from this hot restaurant to that new dance venue to the gay event in such-and-such a place. Yes, some gay guys do that. Some don't. The lifestyle one chooses to lead is his choice.

We all know straight guys who do things that are problematic -- like not being able to hold a job, have a stable relationship, engage in unlawful activities, or are so overextended financially that they are barely avoiding homelessness. Same thing applies to gay guys. Some are stable and contribute to their niche of society, and some are not.

These are all lifestyle issues -- how one chooses to live. That has nothing to do with being gay or not. Seriously.

I do realize that my "lifestyle" in choosing to eat all of our meals at home, assiduously avoiding getting a smart phone, not traveling anywhere for vacation, and pretty much being a "home-body" is uncommon -- but there are straight "home bodies" too. These decisions I have made which form the basis of my lifestyle have nothing to do with my sexual orientation.

So back to the topic -- what is the lifestyle of a gay guy? Hmmm... look around. Ask yourself "what is my lifestyle?" and you will have your answer. If you're straight, there are gay guys who live pretty much like you do. If you are gay, there are straight guys who live like you do, too. No differences.

Life is short: don't let stereotypes and media hype cause you to be misinformed and use woefully inaccurate language.

Straight Men and Gay Men, Part 3

This is the third (and last) in a series of blog posts about relationships between straight and gay men. See Is It Hard for Straight Men to Be Around Gay Men?" from July 20, and "Straight Men and Gay Men, Part 2" from July 21.

This is a guest blog piece from a straight friend who is sharing his thoughts about the issue of relationships between straight and gay men.

This guy has been a friend of mine since we met in first grade.

Dear (you),

I read your email and the post on that blog that you referred me to. I found that article mildly offensive at first, because I said to myself, "I'm not like that." But then I thought about it, and realized that indeed I am like that sometimes with gay people I don't know. I find myself creating more space between me and someone I know or think is gay, and I have found myself avoiding them (I don't go to the gay pride celebrations at work, for example.)

I realized that since I grew up in a strict Catholic environment, that my perceptions of what "gay" was were influenced by the Church, my family, and my friends. I know that I have felt uncomfortable around gay people, but did not realize why. I would not say that I felt digusted. That is a very strong word. But I agree that I never understood why a man would not enjoy intimate relationships with a woman. I also felt revolted (? too strong ... but highly uncomfortable) by two things: the mere thought of two men having sex with each other, and also how some gay people act -- frilly and flamboyant.

I know from knowing you for what, some 48 years?, that not all gay people are the same. You have remained the same, steady, strong friend I grew up with. You were there as an usher in our wedding, when our kids were born, and helped me finish our basement. Over my wife's objections, you taught our oldest son how to ride a motorcycle safely. You cut through the county red tape so that my twin daughters could do a significant service project and win their honors in the Girl Scouts. In so many ways, you have been closely entwined with our family, and we remain grateful and appreciative.

That made me think -- we have no aversion to you (as that blog post says.) Why? Because I knew you before you identified as being gay. I did not notice that you changed when you became more open about being gay, other than your self-confidence seemed to improve, and you became more relaxed and self-assured.

We have grown to admire and like your partner, too. While we don't see him that often, we know that he cares for you a lot and we can see how much you love him, and he loves you. Your strong bond of commitment is parallel to what my wife teaches through her work in the Church's Relationship Education program.

I also think that how I feel about you may be different from how I feel about other gay people because you act like a man. What I am saying is that I have never understood why some gay men act so flamey. You know what I mean. You have taught me that all gay people are not the same. I have to admit that I would be more distant if you behaved the way gay people come across on TV or on the news during those gay pride parades.

I remember one time that my older brother asked me about you and our relationship when he found out you were gay. I distinctly remember him asking me if I wouldn't be seeing you any more. I was put in the uncomfortable situation of defending our friendship. Then I thought about it, and told my brother that you're the same guy we always knew, and that he should change -- not you. He didn't say anything to me again.

Thank you for the chance to explain, and to comment. I have never written for a blog before -- or even read yours until this week. But I will always be your friend, and appreciate your friendship in return. See you next week at the crab feast!

T

Straight Men and Gay Men, Part 2

This is a follow-up to my blog post from yesterday titled, "Is It Hard For Straight Men To Be Around Gay Men?"

The following is a guest blog piece. It was written by Kevin, a friend who frequently contributes to this blog. He is gay (so when he refers to "us," he is referring to gay men).

I appreciate having such an intelligent, thoughtful friend to bounce ideas like this off of. He always responds with well thought-out ideas. Tune in tomorrow for Part 3, written by a straight friend of mine with his perspective.

Kevin shares his insightful commentary with us:

I found the post you reference to be quite interesting. The author makes a good point as he is willing to address his fear. He correctly identifies the fear of what others will think as a primary motivation for homophobic behavior. It's also a fear of how he will be treated by those he now disagrees with.

Let's face it, many of us remained in the closet because of the fear of rejection. Where we risk rejection by choosing to live the lives we were intended to because that's the way we're wired, our straight allies risk rejection for choosing to say to their friends, family, and co-workers that they no longer believe in the same things in quite the same way.

As people we gravitate to those who make us feel comfortable and with whom we share common values and outlooks. I look to lessons learned during the civil rights struggles where sympathetic whites were sometimes subjected to even greater cruelties because they were seen as traitors. An even more on-point example is the reaction of some to Cuomo in New York in calling on the Catholic Church to deny him communion because of his support of same-sex marriage.

Sympathetic straights also come under scrutiny by both camps. The homophobes may question their sexuality, but the LGBT community will always view them as outsiders who truly don't understand us. Since "gay" has come to be far more inclusive than other differences, there's a pressure to accept all or nothing. Our own sense of identity as LGBT individuals vary widely as we strive to carve a niche for ourselves that incorporates this trait of sexuality but doesn't serve as our primary designation. However, sympathetic straights aren't always given this latitude. So we now have the fear of being judged because of an inability to accept the extreme as well as the conservative.

But those fears only scratch the surface since they deal with how to relate to others. I believe the true fear is that being exposed to that which makes us uncomfortable, forces us to examine what we believe and why we believe it.

As it relates to homosexuality, I believe the true issue lies in what we believe about men and women. We have a long way to go before men will view women as equals. The roles of husband and wife and attitudes about women are still fairly entrenched in the Victorian era. The man is dominant and the woman submissive. In those instances where dominant women existed, property laws were firmly in place to ensure male dominance.

For a straight man to physically distance himself from a gay man suggests that he views human interaction in terms of mating behavior. In his mind, when sexuality is introduced, the knowledge that another man is gay suggests that the man's only interest in him is sexually motivated. After all, his primary interest in interacting with women is based on this metric, so it stands to reason that the same applies to gay men in our relation to all other men. If he perceives himself as bigger and stronger than the gay man, he thinks of him as the woman. He views himself in the opposite light if the gay man is bigger and stronger. Either way he feels uncomfortable.

Some straight men profess to consider homosexuality wrong but have little problem with lesbianism when presented for their entertainment and control. The pornography industry has capitalized upon this for decades. Those same men have problems with gay men because those same rules of dominance and submissiveness don't readily apply yet they try to force the dynamic. One must be the woman and the other the man in the relationship.

Yet, when one looks at the top/bottom dynamic in some gay relationships, our society affords men with privilege that still forces one to look at the relationship as one of equals. Straight women may fall into a similar expectation of behavior. Those who offer the loudest protest to same-sex relationships seem to believe that somehow they lack something that only men can bring to the relationship. Talk of equal partnership is just talk at the end of the day. For these women, the Victorian sensibilities as they relate to men, women, sexuality, and sexual intercourse are what they seek.

I appreciate Kevin's insights, and hope you find his post and thoughts as intellectually interesting as I have.

Tune in tomorrow for Part 3 written by a straight friend of mine.

Is It Hard for Straight Men to Be Around Gay Men?

This is a bit of a reverse-take on a previous post on this blog where I opined about the difficulties of being a gay guy and socializing with (some) straight men.

I found an article on another blog titled, "Are All Straight Men Homophobic?" In that article, the author (who is straight) describes feelings and behaviors that straight guys have around gay people. He says:

• "For the most part, when a gay man is in the presence of straight men it can be the most uncomfortable situation for the latter group."

• "Straight men are so afraid of being perceived as gay that they act extra macho and get kind of nervous."

• "...I don't want to make any kind of eye contact whatsoever [with a guy I think is gay]. My face screws up and my eyes trail down to the floor or off to the side. Anywhere but the direction of that individual. Uh uh, buddy, you’re not making googly eyes with me."

• "I know I'm not alone, straight guys tense up all the time in the presence of a gay man. Why? It just makes us very uncomfortable for various reasons."

• "I bet if a gay person were to walk up to a straight man and randomly pick lint off his collar that the straight guy would jump back like he saw a ghost. That, and probably be ready to fight. But would he have the same reaction if it were an attractive woman doing the exact same thing?"

• "It's all about perception. It's like there are straight men who feel that just by being in the presence of a gay man that the gay will somehow rub off on them and make them look weak, soft or like a punk."

And from some comments on that blog post:

• "Some of that fear or anger towards gay men may be some men's own personal anger with gay men being able to be so open and comfortable about their sexuality. If you look at our society, a gay woman is way more accepted than a gay man will ever be."

• The LGBT Community would like to think that people are scared of them in attempt to shame people of their "cowardice". But the truth is people just flat out disagree with the lifestyle. [N.B.: He claims that he isn't afraid as he does not approve of the gay "lifestyle." Oh cripes, please review my previous post about the difference between sexual orientation and a Gay "Lifestyle". Many straight people just don't get it.]

• .... Fear has nothing to do with the disgust some have in seeing something they do not value. .... [T]he truth of the matter, those who society deems as "homophobic" are in fact anti-gay." [N.B: so this commenter differentiates between being anti-gay and homophobic. Hmmm... interesting.]

---

I found this blog post enlightening, and it confirms a lot of behaviors that I see straight guys around me do -- they avoid eye contact, create an even larger physical personal space between them and me, and behave with even more macho mannerisms than I observe them behave around other guys who they know are straight. I had always thought that they were afraid of me -- and some of them seem to behave that way by backing off, being quiet, and totally avoiding any interaction with me whatsoever. Fear may be part of what drives this behavior. But it is also aversion -- aversion to being around something that they just do not like. At all. (Some may call it disgust.)

I can relate, in a way. I am disgusted when I am around some straight guys who use profanity in every-other-word that they utter; who make sexist comments regularly; or who oogle women overtly (undressing them with their eyes.) I am disgusted by that behavior and those remarks.

I learned (or shall I say, some of my thinking was reaffirmed) that there are some guys who are disgusted by the mere fact that I am gay. And it gets worse, sometimes, when they find out that I live in a same-sex relationship. To them, the mere thought that I might have sex with another man is disgusting -- and puzzling. They just don't understand why I would not want to have sexual pleasure with a woman.

As far as I am concerned, I have endured straight men being uncomfortable around me for most of my life, but I never really put a finger on the reasons for that behavior being caused by more than fear (homophobia). Now I have.

I am who I am, and am comfortable in my own skin and with my own sexuality. I don't talk about my sexuality as a "preference" -- it IS an orientation. I'm gay. So be it.

Some straight guys can deal with their own discomfort and minimize it. Some of these guys who have known me for a long time don't even think about the fact that I'm gay. We're tight, as buddies. None of my close (straight) buddies would flinch if I picked a piece of lint of his collar. But the (straight) guys who I see occasionally, such as in my motorcycle club, behave more like what was described in the reviewed blog post than my close friends do. They react with a combination of fear, aversion, and disgust.

Okay, I get it. But to the straight guys who behave this way -- know that your behavior is noticed. Sometimes the behavior of backing away, avoiding eye contact, and keeping a large physical distance between us can be taken very personally by a gay guy, and he gets hurt. I have to be honest, I used to feel hurt quite a bit by observing the "back away" reactions of straight guys when they figured out (or I told them) that I am gay.

I do not get hurt any more. I realize that some straight guys can't handle, or don't want to handle, the fact that I am gay. Some guys are insecure in their own manhood, like being associated with me can remove it from them. I also realize that some straight guys are anti-gay. More than dislike, they really hate the thought of anything involving a same-sex relationship more intimate than a handshake.

I get it. I truly get it. And in this case, the Serenity Prayer applies, "to accept the things I cannot change; courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference."

And I continue to live as I always do: I care for my family and friends; I work hard for a living; I contribute to society through voluntarism; I lead groups and organizations; I ride a Harley with an organized group for fun. I am a confident, masculine man who happens to be gay. So be it. Getting to know me will not threaten your manhood and make you less straight, as it would not make me "less gay." We are who we are.

Tune in tomorrow for a guest blog contribution and follow-up to this piece by a good friend who has contributed a lot to this blog and whose thoughts on this matter are truly insightful.

Life is short: understand.

Are Cowboy Boots for Gay Men?

Here we go again:

AOL search results that landed a visitor to my website, "Are Cowboy Boots for Gay Men?"

Answer: no. Only people who are insecure about what they wear think that there is a relationship between boot-wearing and being gay.

See more posts:

Can Straight Men Wear Cowboy Boots?

Who Gets to Wear Tall Boots

What Do Gay Men's Boots Look Like?

Is It Gay to Wear Boots?

Why Do Gay Guys Like to Wear Boots?

Gay Boots

Life is short: stop applying social stereotypes to boots, or for that matter, to any form of clothing. 'nuf said.

Being Out At Work

A study titled, "The Power of 'Out'," published by the Center for Work-Life Policy (and summarized here) indicates in no uncertain terms that those who are out at work flourish, while those who remain in the closet languish or leave.

It's not 100% one-or-the-other, but the study shows that LGBT people who hide their sexual orientation from co-workers -- an estimated 52% of them -- feel stalled in their careers. A whopping 75% feel isolated at work, and even moreso if they are men.

I'm not criticizing other gay people for making a decision to withhold their sexual orientation from co-workers and their employer, in general. I know from my own experience while employed somewhere else where I was supervised by several retired Army colonels that I felt that I would be chastised, discriminated against, and otherwise held back because of what I assumed to be the perceptions of retired military about gay people.

My problem was that I was making a lot of assumptions. I never gave my bosses a chance. I just hid that part of my life. I focused on my job, and tried to develop relationships with co-workers, but I remember how badly I felt about hiding the truth. It hurt. It wasn't right. I had these ongoing feelings of being hypocritical and feeling like I was a liar.

Granted, no one asked me directly if I were gay, and I did everything I could to hide my sexual orientation. I never talked about my partner or our home life. My partner and I would go on some marvelous trips to various places around the world, but I never would show photos of those trips to co-workers because I didn't want them to see me smiling with my arm around a man's shoulder (in many, many photos.)

Many colleagues assumed that I was straight because I rode a motorcycle to work, wore the boots and gear of a biker, and behaved in a masculine manner. While those characteristics are fundamentally, "me," (being a masculine guy and a biker), there were other "guy things" that I hid really well. Like I always had a good excuse to avoid playing on the company softball league. I avoided acknowledging remarks some men made about women. I found ways to avoid talking about "the game" (whatever game-of-the-previous-night it was) by timing myself well. For example, they always talked about Sunday's football games for a few minutes before the start of every Monday staff meeting. I would intentionally arrive three minutes late, huffing and puffing out-of-breath, sighing, "I'm sorry I'm late; I had to get off the phone with (some fictitious but important person)."

I realized years after I left that job that most of my colleagues had figured me out, but were being respectful and didn't say anything. Those to whom I have fully come out now -- after I left -- are even better friends than they were co-workers.

I am out where I work now. But as I have said before, I do not run around and wave the rainbow flag, or brag about "my partner and I did ... this-n-that" or talk about gay-related things. I keep focused on my job, am pleasant to colleagues and co-workers, but don't socialize with them (except perhaps for an occasional lunch.) They know that I am in a relationship with another man, and when appropriate, it comes up that I talk about him.

I feel more relaxed and much more productive at work, because I don't have to find ways to hide who I am and what composes my character. I have always believed a great deal in personal integrity, so by being out at work, I can maintain a higher level of personal integrity, which does two things for me: 1) it earns me more respect from co-workers and management; and 2) I don't have to waste a lot of time creating stories or finding ways to avoid certain situations. I can apply the time I spent activity closeting my behavior on doing the job I was hired to do. Thus, I am perceived to be more highly productive than almost anyone else. It even resulted in a bonus last week.

Life is short: be who you are, and be honest with yourself.