A Brother's Perspective

Guest blog by J, BHD' twin brother

I have been speaking with my brother every day for the past five weeks. I have observed him go through various emotions as he deals with recovering from his injury, a broken bone in his leg.

He is being typical in his response: frustration, anger, exasperation, ... then to acceptance and finally, this past week: really recovering and looking forward to a cast-less future.

This situation has been hard for him by forcing him to stay in one place and not be able to direct his own life; go to work; go to meetings; help others, etc.

I would say that his first three weeks, he was bewildered and just angry at not being able to care for others. Of course, he was upset that he couldn't take care of himself, and was dependent on his partner to do everything from cook meals to bathing him. But if I heard anything repeated more often than anything, it was his concern about his elderly friends and who was going to do things for them that he ordinarily would be doing. He did not care about himself as much as he was concerned for others (especially our aunt for whom he cares so deeply.)

He told me that when family or friends called to ask, "what can I do for you?" that his response was, "Emma needs this or Beryl needs that or Marie could use an escort to the grocery store...." Nothing about himself. He always thinks of others.

I have been beating him up about accepting help from others. At first, he would have none of it. He continued to be as stubborn as ever at insisting that he was okay and did not need any help, but others did. But his attitude slowly changed, and for that I am thankful.

His friends have been helping a lot. Mostly what he seems to appreciate most is having someone come over when his partner is at work during the day to help him with little things that he can't do right now: prepare his lunch, get the mail, and run errands. He has single-handedly organized a "caring patrol" of friends helping friends in his absence.

He keeps referring to this "net" of friends who hold him up. This net keeps his spirits soaring, and never lets him feel down or depressed. He told me that he is still smiling that silly smile that I have grown to adore, because he knows that his predicament is temporary and that in the meantime, while he is unable to carry out his usual activities that others rise to the occasion because he asked. Our aunt is receiving attention and visits from family who have not been to visit in a long time. His friends have managed to get things fixed and their grocery shopping done, even though he has not been able to do it himself.

Now he is worrying about not being needed any more. All these friends helping everyone else. He said yesterday morning during our daily chat that he was feeling "displaced." What's with that? No one can replace or displace MY brother. No one. He's one of a kind.

How fortunate I am to have him in my life: to love, to care for (albeit long-distance) and to help him through his emotions toward complete and full recovery. It is the least I can do for my "big brother," who has done so much for me throughout my life.

Life is short: show those you love that you love them. It comes back double for every ounce of energy you put into it. My brother is a testament to that!