Someone recently posted a comment to that post anonymously. While he didn't include his name, I kept the comment because what he said was interesting to me and contributed to the content of what the post was about. He said:
I like what you wrote and I'm glad you found someone. I'm still looking, but I can never tell when to ask a guy if he is gay or not. I'm not into gay acting guys. They're cool and everything, but I kind of want someone that I am more of buddies with but having a relationship as well. It's so hard to find. I live in an area where there is nothing around so there aren't many places to go. You're right though. When I look online or in gay bars, there are very feminine guys there and I'm afraid that I will have to fake being straight in order to be happy. The stereotypical gay relationship scares me. Its not that I'm in denial, I just don't want to be with someone that likes Madonna and wants to go shopping all the time. I guess I wouldn't mind if it was just the music, but if I want a guy that acts girly then I'll date a girl. Good site though. Thanks.I wish to comment about some things he said.
- I can never tell when to ask a guy if he is gay or not
I could probably make some quip starting with, "if you have to ask..." but that wouldn't be nice. Generally, I have found in my experience, if you hang out with a guy and get along very well, then enjoy the company and the things you do together. Okay, you want to have a relationship beyond being buddies that includes intimacy. There are ways to figure that out.
How does he look at you? How does he respond to touch? I'm not saying groping his crotch, but does he touch you like placing an arm around your shoulder, or accept that in return? Does his hand linger when you shake hands? What about his physical proximity to you? That is, does he sit close, or side-by-side? Is he comfortable with physical closeness such as being seated on a sofa with legs touching?
In my opinion, the more a guy accepts being physically close, the more likely he is to accept an interest on a more intimate level. I agree, though, sometimes you have to be more direct about it. Rather than blurt out, "are you gay?" -- I suggest you talk about yourself. At the right time in the right setting, tell him that you like guys, or more boldly, come out of the closet and explain that you're gay. If he is gay, he'll admit it. If he is not, but is your friend, he will say something like, "I'm not" and as long as you don't get aggressive in your behavior, he will remain your friend.
- I'm not into gay-acting guys.
Oh goodness, here we go again. I'll say this once more: not all gay men act the same way. "Gay Acting" is a social stereotype, and nothing more. Get over it. What you don't like is a gay man who displays effeminate behavior. Okay, I understand that. I don't either. So don't go for what you don't like.
- I live in an area where there is nothing around so there aren't many places to go
Having lived in a very rural area of Oklahoma for a while, I understand this point, too. As I said in my original blog post: you won't find that many masculine gay men in profiles on the internet. Why is that? In my opinion, masculine gay men are secure in themselves and don't advertise for mates -- though some do on some gay dating or fetish websites like Gearfetish, Recon's family of websites, and a few others. You won't find that many masculine gay men on the 'net, so that's why I recommended getting out and becoming involved in activities that masculine gay men enjoy: hiking, camping, sports, and so forth. You may have to drive a while to another town to find a regular softball or volleyball league, attend a rodeo, or to hike with a group.
- When I look online or in gay bars, there are very feminine guys there.
That is often true. That's why I recommend looking elsewhere. It's unfortunate, but there are not specific places that masculine gay men hang out. I wish it were that easy. Even at leather-oriented gay bars, there is quite a mix. I recommended in my original post to go to pubs, restaurants, or bars frequented by general society. Yeah: "straight bars." Masculine gay men do not feel a need to hang out only with gay men, contrasted with more effeminate gay guys who tend to hang out with only gay people. Masculine guys are secure and self-confident. They enjoy friends regardless of sexual orientation. So if you choose to go to a bar, don't go to a gay bar -- go to a straight bar. Believe me, there are gay men there, too.
- I'm afraid that I will have to fake being straight in order to be happy.
Fallacy: 'fake being straight' means what? Lying. Hiding. Not good for the soul and not good for the psyche. Don't fake anything. Be yourself. If you have masculine mannerisms, then you're not 'faking being straight.' You are being who you are. I assure you that many masculine gay men look and act 'straight' because their behavior is what society has taught us about how straight people behave. How one carries himself in front of others has nothing to do with his sexual orientation. Don't fall into the trap of thinking the two issues are the same. They're not.
- The stereotypical gay relationship scares me. Its not that I'm in denial, I just don't want to be with someone that likes Madonna and wants to go shopping all the time.
I could probably make an entire blog post out of that line... in my opinion, social stereotyping is clouding objectivity. Okay, I don't like Madonna either. My partner does. I don't like Lady Gaga. My partner and some of my masculine gay friends do. So what? We just have different tastes. And the part about going shopping all the time? Gimme a break. I hate shopping, too. My partner, however, is good at it. Does he go shopping all the time? Nope... but when shopping has to be done, we divide the duties and he does the shopping and I go renovate a house. (Well, not specifically...) but where I'm going with this is that different men have different interests and if I initially judged my masculine "better half" (my partner) on the fact that he likes certain pop music and shopping, then I never would have developed a life-changing relationship with him and never would have taken that first step on the Bootprints of Our Journey.
As they say, "opposites attract." I'm not really saying that a gay frilly-froo-froo guy is the right choice for a guy looking for a masculine man, but I am saying that one should not make snap judgments based on stereotypes.
- if I want a guy that acts girly then I'll date a girl.
Me too. 'nuf said. If you want a masculine man, then go find one.
I also feel compelled to say that far too many gay men develop intimate relationships because they feel the need to do so. The bio-clock is ticking. The physical attributes change with age (weight, appearance, etc.) But just like in the straight world, you might get together with someone as a "settle for" and find out as time moves on that it's not right, so you split and suffer consequences of a broken heart, damaged ego, and hurt feelings. Like a very close friend has had to do recently, he broke off a relationship because he figured out that it wasn't right, and didn't want to waste the other guy's time or his own. He's still looking, but is patiently confident. The point that I am trying to make is that one should take his time to develop a solid relationship and really get to know the other guy before moving in together, getting married, etc.
Life is short, but invest the time in finding what works for you.
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