Thursday, June 23, 2011

Things I Mumble in Traffic

Admit it... we all do it... we see someone pull an idiotic stunt while driving, and we make, uhhh, certain "utterances."  In my case, most of what I say is in Italian, and most of the time, it's under my breath.  That is, no one else can hear me, or if they can hear me, they cannot understand what I say. I am not one of those kinds of people who yells and screams in traffic. I usually give the other guy the right-of-way, even if he's being a jerk or she is driving aggressively. I am not nearly as important as many of the other drivers here in snoburbia. I'll get there eventually.

So here are (in English) the most common phrases I mutter when I see a driver doing something stupid:

  • Hang up and drive!
  • The speed camera will trigger a ticket for people going 12 mph over the speed limit -- not 12mph under! Speed up at least to the posted speed limit, dumb-dumb!
  • Stop checking your email and drive!
  • No, idiot in the little black sports car, just because I am on a motorcycle doesn't give you the right to blow past me in my lane! Go back to driving school.
  • appenda e guidi!
  • oh yeah, that's right. Turn signals were invented for the other guy to use. Silly me, wanting to know your intentions.
  • Stop texting and drive!
  • Luxury minivan driver from the western part of our county, you really don't need two mini DVD players, do you? Really?
  • Hang up and drive!
  • Oh goody, thanks for cutting me off so I can test my Harley's stoopid-driver-avoidance skills once again.
  • Nope, your email is still not that important. Put down your toy and drive!
  • Which lane do you want? My lane, your lane, or both? Oh, both? Why didn't you say so!
  • appenda e guidi!
  • It's right turn on red after stop, idiot -- not "right turn after slowing down to 30mph." Silly me, I forgot how important you are.
  • Stop texting -- drive!
  • Oh yeah, that's right, Mr. "my expensive luxury car is better than your dirty old truck" -- I sure hope some dirt from my truck didn't sully your car's expensive fresh-washed finish!
  • Hang up and drive!
  • Umm... umm... the light is green. Oh yeah, right, your email is much more important than actually driving. Excuse me for not understanding.
  • I just love what you've done with the fingernail on the third finger of your left hand! Show me again, puhleeze?
  • Stop texting and drive!
  • There's yet another idiot riding a motorcycle wearing a full-face helmet but also shorts and tennis shoes (insert alternatives--sneakers, flip-flops, sandals): way to go to earn points for your Darwin Award while simultaneously giving the rest of us bikers a bad name. Bikers wear long pants and boots!
  • Juggling both a Blackberry and a cell phone? Really?
  • Your left turn in front of my Harley is always more important that my legal right-of-way riding on this road. Forgive my indiscretion, and look for my family's wrongful death lawsuit when you kill me.
  • No, ducking won't avoid getting a ticket when you blow past a red light with a camera (you won't believe how many people I see speed through the lights and duck while doing it! LOL!)

These are some of the things I say... I'm sure there are more. Have you had any of these situations happen? Life is lovely here in snoburbia -- home of the most gadget-obsessed and thoughtless drivers around.

Life is short: drive responsibly, and watch for us motorcyclists!

1 comment:

Tef said...

"Look, that lamp post there wants a date with your car while you flirt with your text message!"